With Love, from a Recovering Addict, Alcoholic

Thank you, beautiful anonymous person who just might have saved my life last week, and I didn't know I needed it. I got to spend time with someone so deep in addiction that, like I used to, they believed their own fantasies. In bitterness, terror and loneliness that only another addict knows, you took me back over 15 1/2 yrs, and I got to sit across a table from me, and hold my own hand while your face tried so hard, so bravely to hide pain behind a forced smile. 
Thank you. 
My heart breaks for those still out there. One, ten thousand pound foot in front of the other for all of these years. I can't go down with you, but I will...I will be here when you're ready to climb out. Thank you for reminding me where I come from.  Never alone, and like I was, though you've been told, you don't know it, really know it yet, and intelligence won't get you there. Reach and see, once you've nothing left to lose. I know it's dark, but I promise there is a dawn. An in the coming weeks or year when (Hyde only sleeps in me.) I think about using, I'll think of you, and just maybe I'll get another 24 hours to live in freedom, another chance to laugh, or cry, to love, to see my children, to dance...Thank you for saving my life when that moment comes. They call it, "Insanity," and how right they are, while we call it, "Logic or Reason" to the best of chemically altered thinking. I pray your hopeless, helpless moment comes soon, that it may end, and I pray a moment of clarity when none of my words will matter, and the most powerful ones ever uttered will come from you, "O.k." With love from the other side.
 Anonymous me.
  "..and I've heard myself cry, "Never Again!" broken down in agony just trying to find a friend." Pink
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ3ZM8FDBlg

Ah, Spring: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor!

May I share? Here it goes(I can't stop myself!)
     Spring means one thing to me: Outdoor bugs will come to life, and they want to bond with me. It is March 20, and where I live that means a ground thaw. So it begins...

     I woke just now from a nap, grabbed my oversized Tshirt and put it on. Damned tag itched, but you just deal with it, acrobatically scratch it out of place, until it's pleasantly un-tucked from shirt, and go about your business, or mine, or something. I began brushing my teeth when I saw, over half the size of my ring finger, yes! A large black, shiny water bug out of the corner of my eye on my left shoulder. I took the brush out of my mouth, and smacked the Pterodactyl off, but couldn't find the damned thing!
   I dropped the toothbrush, and I might say the vibrating brush beating the sink, added a certain, "Je ne sais qua?" to the situation. It was loud! I got the shirt off by getting my right arm out carefully, just incase the dragon bug from Hell was still on me somewhere, then slipping my head out, finally the left arm, and dancing about like a three year old future princess on Meth, attempting to get away from the BEAST, and I didn't even know where it was!
   Having, "Jitter-bugged" my way out of the bathroom, I peeked back in and saw Golliath, holding on under the lip of my vanity table, and I hopped passed it to grab a pretty pink (Seriously?) fly-swatter/world-saver!
   Nabbing my (bad-ass for it's color) weaponry, I landed a nervous if exacting blow to the six-legged DEATH LOBSTER, and crushed the nasty guts out of it.....on my white vanity table. 
.
   Victory is a bittersweet mistress, indeed.
(Cue Taps)
tina jones

I Believe in RED

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”

                                                                                               Audrey Hepburn

Probably one of the sweetest quotes I see fairly often, and read it always with a smile. There's an elegance and innocense to her in words and visage that becons the "girl" in most all of us. 

  I can't help, when seeing these words, reflecting on what "I believe," and if it might have any use to others in their own self searches.

  I figure I might as well give it a go! :)

Ahem..Is this thing on?  Testing, one, two...and

   I believe in RED, Pink was o.k. when I was two, but I want a color that, by God, will commit to being a color. Stand up and say, "I am Red! Deal with it!" I believe that if I've stopped laughing for any calculable length of time, someone needs to hit me with cardiac paddles or toss dirt on me. I believe in kissing. I believe in kissing here, here, here, and here and here too. I believe that the strongest people are those who fall apart on a regular basis. I believe that happiness is about being true to ourselves, and if that means lipstick or sweating in a garden, working at a factory, nursing a child, teaching the deeper meaning of haiku, or pole dancing, you are probably absolutely beautiful doing it!. 

  I believe in passion. I believe that potatoes, pasta and rice were invented by people to cunningly take up space on my plate where bacon is meant to be. I believe in one inch thick steaks without trimming the fat, and I believe in salad mostly so people don't yell at me. I believe I'd better plan for tomorrow, but live here and now, and now I'd like Sam Elliot to be here. I need a cook. 

    I believe there are secrets in dandelion fluff. I believe that amazing paintings are waiting in paint tubes, but they are not going to squirt themselves out on to a canvas. I believe in cutting the elastic tops off of over-sized sweat socks, so they slouch properly. I believe the best part of the day is that thirty minute stretch thing to find the right spot that I have to do when I climb into bed at night. I believe that mustard and pickles should be a food group.  I believe that the sky shows off every evening in colors just to make me envious enough to dream of painting them. I believe in cheese. 

     I believe Robin Williams is probably the best lay on the planet. I believe in wearing big skirts and spinning around to watch them become aloft. I believe there is music in the stars, and that it's blasphemy not to dance to it. I believe in feeling the artist's being in a clay bowl that I can hold. I believe sometimes when I don't know what to do, my spirit leaps from my body to silently tell some gloriously wrinkled and tired woman or the man that pushes his back to feed his children, "You are beautiful!" I believe when I put my fingers in running water, it should always be with reverence, and the water enjoys touching me. i believe in never using hair spray, lest I miss the combing of a breeze.

     I believe in cruise control and loud music in the car, and singing poorly. I believe the sound of whale's song is beautiful but nothing compares the sounds of my children and grandchildren. I believe in acting sillier than my grandchildren. I believe that, because that's not too much of a challenge, it must mean I'm gifted!
 I believe sometimes cookies and pickles make a great breakfast. I believe it's simply better to love, and you don't have to wait for a person or circumstance to do it. You're already right there waiting to be loved by you. I believe, "Witch Hazel" is a funny thing to say. I believe cursing is necessary to maintain the dignity of a conversation at times. Knowing those times is a challenge. I believe that everything and everyone I see is mine and part of me, and loving you taught me how to love me. 

Finally, I believe in knowing when to stop. I just haven't learned it yet.

tina jones

"Git 'Er Done" According to the Zodiac

This is done in humor and with great affection for all signs. 

Aries: Let's go, let's go, let's go! We have stuff to do!

Taurus: Let's talk about it. Fine! I'll do it myself.

Gemini: I really think we should do it this way, and I really think we should do it that way too.

Cancer: I will let you know when it's time to do it, but first, have a casserole.

Leo: I am not doing a thing, until you take this balloon.

Virgo: I have to get this done now. Time is running out!

Libra: Let's be rational, and get this done together.

Scorpio: What's your real reason for wanting to get this done?

Sagittarius: I can get this done and dance while doing it.

Capricorn: With a steady, deliberate approach, I will get this done.

Aquarius: I'm going to have to get this done myself, for the sake of humanity, aren't I?

Pisces: What does, "Git 'er done" mean existentially?

Winks! (and don't forget your balloon!)
tina jones

SHE'S ALL TALK!

I recently saw a note lamenting how people didn't, "Talk" anymore. Instead we have a world that communicates via social media, and it got me to reminiscing.

    Ah the good ole days! Restraining orders were an excellent social lubricant. I don't miss it, and with the advent of, "Block Buttons," we are saving a lot paper and trees. Social media just may be saving the rainforests. I'll have to look that up for sure. :p
    I'm sensing a disturbance in the Funk and Wagnall's. As our language grows and changes, "Talk" may have different social applications. I'd like to cover a few that I'm aware of. 
Feel free to add more, if you think of them.

"Talk:"

1: To exchange verbal information. (I'm sending some of that here. If you respond, we have "conversed." Nice, how that works! It's all friendly and stuff! :) Hearts! <3 <3 <3

2: To breathe into a phone at someone

3: To meet (with the possibility of annoying stare downs, creepy sniffing, odd smells, awkward surprise hugs/fending off attempts at hair touching/accostings etc.)

4: To meet with the possibility of doing something naked at some point, probably with consent. It's iffy.

5: To meet for the purpose of making future plans to visit our respective attorneys (Marriage Warning, if you didn't hear it! This is often called, "Talking over coffee/drinks." I'm going to have to hurt you with the truth. Your coffee or whatever you're drinking does not give a damn what you have to say. I'm sorry to have to do that, but I care too much to lie to you. Oh..more hearts: <3 <3 <3 There you go. :)

6: To try out our new mace dispensers

7: To engage in a public flash mob dance for two at the library.

8: To get a better idea of just how big those are/that is.

9: To meet for the purpose of showing someone your new BBQ pit and talk about how that lotion really does soften the skin.

10: To physically exchange Tamale recipes.

11: To meet and talk/manipulate, so I have a better chance of ripping you off.

12: To meet in order to talk, because (Listen for the whining.) "Typing is so hard for me, so it would do me a big favor if we could just put your life on the line instead. O.k.? That'd be great! Thanks!"

  I hope that clears things up and improves your chances at getting to, "Talk" with someone.

Best wishes! ;)
tina jones

Solitude

 Solitude

...and she asked for so little, he forgot she was there
and she stayed for too long, told herself she didn't care.
It all died so quietly, in such a well kept home
then she walked away in silence, freed never coming home.
and he cried a little, tears at the fate he wrote
no chapter for love in a pile of accomplished notes.
He married soon after. There was an empty spot on the shelf
and she turned within finding love inside herself.
She wandered, lost most of the time, knowing he was the best she'd have
dreamed of a day that wouldn't come, abandoned hope she still had
and time was short, she knew, but maybe life would come again
and maybe the next time around, he'd leave a dollar unearned and then
maybe they'd begin again a  little more known
but for this life, she dances alone.
 Because she knew she'd loved, It isn't lonely, this place,
and such fulfillment was enough to afford her some grace
She held in dignity what might have been
and walked in strong path with weak back remembering when
He danced with her as if she were some part of his world
and didn't put her on a shelf to forget about the girl.
Perhaps she made it too easy and unconditional
not knowing that in peace, love could be transitional.
She knew of love, and patience, and finally letting go
What more there was to learn in life, she couldn't possibly know
Yet beat the light inside her chest, content it'd been to live
so "Give love to all," she thought, "must be the way to live."
so love she did in great out-pours, and did the best she could
and returns came blissfully unexpected in  seeing others do good
and pass it on, one by one, she saw love does grow
but where it comes and nebulous goes wasn't hers to know.
Free falls of endless faith, believing every day
that some purpose was complete and whole in every way
and should she go someday, it wont be with great fight
rather passion can't be killed. She'd love with all her might
and she inquired of him now and then, so she knew
that dollars never went unearned and accolades none too few
She couldn't make him happy, but if these things did
She was content to know, he had what he bid,
and she thanked him, in solitary moments warmed by cold night,
as she was more than she might have been without her flight
Roads entwined for a short while, but stars pass in the day
unaware 'til fall of eve their walk's divergent ways
Evaporated ties aren't a thing to hold
but stories to reflect on and chapters told
"May I have this dance?" she calls to the sky
and stars gather round to sparkle in her eye
Alone isn't possible and, "Life is but a dream,"
and dance she will to silent stars in daylight unseen.
tina jones

A Property Tax Disability Story

I have an experience with property taxes in the U.S. for disabled people (I am.) I bought my place three years ago. My disability is Social Anxiety Disorder. That means I'm not always capable of being in public. It's also Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I've been disabled since 1996. I've had a lot of adventures and sometimes I think more work and stress to keep things in order being disabled than I did when working. This  one turned out well, but it was a long, hard struggle.
   (Here in Kentucky, U.S. If a person is Disabled, they can fill out forms and not have to pay property taxes if their property is under a certain dollar amount. Please check with your individual state for what may apply to you. I was not aware of this when I purchased my place.)

   *Year 1: This was a partial year, and I had a reserve and paid the taxes I owed for that year upon purchase, no problem.

   *Year 2: I found out that, because I'm disabled, if my property was under a certain value, and it is, I would not have to pay taxes. All I had to do was bring proof to the Property Valuation Office. I went there, brought proof, and they confirmed, and I filled out papers. I did that in November after receiving my tax bill.

    * Year 3. I received notice that I was in default on my taxes. Thinking it was a mistake, I took my proof back to that office. They told me that the papers I'd filled out during year 2 were for year 3, and I owed for year 2.  (Disabled people here don't have to pay property taxes, but because I failed to know and fill out paper work during year 1, I had to pay them for year 2.) I spent last year scraping as much as I could every month to pay property taxes, in person at the County Clerk's office, then take proof to the Courthouse every month, and I got them paid 2 months before my home would have been lost for taxes. Whew! I made it! Yeah! I also at that time made sure to fill out the necessary papers in that November to make sure I wouldn't have to pay them again this year 2012.

* Preparing for Year 4: This November, I didn't receive a tax bill. I panicked. In fear I was going to have to go through paying it again little by little in 2013, I went down to the Property Valuation Office today, and I also had to bring my "Paid in Full" receipt to the Courthouse. (I had put these off in fear. Many days thinking about this, I couldn't even leave my house. The anxiety was overwhelming.) This time, however I got a wonderful surprise!  They said that they did away with asking disabled people to keep coming in (I had wondered about people that couldn't.), bringing proof and filling out the necessary papers, stating they didn't even mail out bills. I broke down and cried.! After that, I had to bring my Paid in Full Receipt to the Court House, and I continued crying through that. I couldn't stop. The poor woman who set up the payment plan was so nice. Twice before I left, she asked me to come back in just to visit sometimes! ("They like me! They really like me!" Sally Field) Unreal! It's not my idea of a good social time, but if I see her out somewhere, I'll certainly say, "Hello."
Breathing a sigh of relief, sitting home in my little happy place and sipping what may be the best cup of coffee I've had in ages,

tina jones