Response to, "Why Women Aren't Crazy" by Yashir Ali, with Admiration and in Cooperation Toward Solutions

The article link I'll post was most moving. Far from a list of how men are wrong, or how women are just nuts, this is extremely insightful! Man or woman, I'd encourage anyone to read it. 
Here's "Why Women Aren't Crazy." by Yashir Ali 
from, "The Good Men Project"
Click Here! (Like you mean it.)

   Refreshing! This man, Yashir Ali,  is being, "emotionally naked," and I find that to be one of the greatest, most admirable strengths in men. This isn't the time to list a man's errors. It's a cue to listen with compassion. Often I find that men in my own life will address what may have been bothering me when I give them a little time to talk. Listen without forming a response. Just hear him, as you'd hope he'd do for you... This is written by a man to other men, and it's compassionate. 

   I wont have the insight into men that another man might, but what I do know is that it usually hurts men deeply to think they've hurt a woman. Sometimes when things are pointed out (even if she is considerate, and asking for an easy change in behavior) so she wont be hurt, physically or emotionally, he can feel so emotionally naked that he can go on the defensive to avoid his own pain at being told he hurt her, that he can transfer that pain back to her by writing off her feelings as, "overreactions," or sometimes, he can simply run...
    
    Women, on the other end of this, learn that to say anything to a man of what they did that hurt us (and sometimes other females) can trigger them to insult us, or in more aware moments, we can learn the terrible error I once believed:  that we just have to be stronger than men, take the brunt of the pain silently, and never point it out to them, because they just can't handle it without shutting down (which hurts us more, and seeing them in pain isn't worth it to us, exactly like it is to men when they see our pain..It can be unbearable in the moment.) 

   This is the equivalent of when men joke about it always being their fault, and smoothing things over with admitting that whether it is or not..This is how women do it: in silence, and it's the same thing. We teach each other these things, and form these habits together, because they work for a short period of time, or they seem to while building very destructive walls between ourselves and the person we want to be closest to. At the writer says, "It's heartbreaking." .... 

   This is for women and men who care deeply about each other. Most of us have had serious conditioning since childhood to avoid being, "The bad guy," and sometimes we're simply wrong, we can admit it, and make amends, and the world wont end. It just might be a new beginning. 

   Me? I'm very often wrong, in fact, I may be now, but tears or saying, "That hurt," have never meant there was something fundamentally wrong with me, in fact they often mean something is very right. Pain is supposed to hurt. That's our cue to grow. By the same token when a man needs time to respond, it doesn't mean there is something fundamentally wrong with him. 

   The other may grow with us, but if they don't or can't yet, we'll still be o.k. I'm often at fault, but I'm not always, and often who is to blame isn't nearly as important as stepping up to mend each other, and finding that often the other will join us. 

Owning it daily, Me.

tina jones

Silliness: The Best Pain Reliever I Know

If I have any talent, it's that of putting carts before horses.
I always thought I had to feel good to do anything good, but I realized (through the patience of dear friends) that if I did it, I might come to feel it.
 Feeling good became the result of action.
The last few days have been difficult for me. I had worried myself into a full blown meltdown. The knowledge that worry has never accomplished a thing for me, hasn't stopped me from indulging in it, as often as I wish it would. Fortunately, through years of practice in taking care of myself, not trying to please others, meltdowns don't happen but a few times a year for me now. This was, at one time, a daily occurrence, then weekly, monthly, etc.
  Meltdowns: For me that means a shutting down of emotions, followed by a near fetal crying bout, and a general sense of doom. It happens. I had gotten so deep in to other people's problems, put on my Joan of Arc suit, and mentally beat myself up with it.
 Fortunately, there are surrenders beyond surrender. For me, I can't stuff the feelings. Feelings are patient things. They will wait for me, and come out at the most inopportune times!
 What works for me: I let it happen. I get down in it, crawl in it, roll around in it, and get it done and over with. I don't cry, I bawl, I shake, I feel every last bit of it, because I've no mind to save that stuff up for later. Today's leftover emotion will seep into tomorrow, if I don't feel it now. Once my eyes are sufficiently puffy, nose blown and breathing again, I get to work! Work, means being gentle with myself, and taking steps to get back to balance.
  I used to believe that other people made me happy or unhappy. (Yet another instance of cart before horse) The truth is that when I take care of me, get myself in a happy place, I attract happy people. They can add to it, but they can not "make" me happy. They can't take it away either. I am responsible for me, and when I remember that, all sorts of wonderful things happen.
  Some of the things I may do privately are play a game, sing poorly, shower,  take a nap, move to another room, clean a room, mess up a room, dance poorly (I'm a natural)......anything to shift my track. Some of the things I do involving others, are to listen to music that makes me feel good, paint something even badly,..... yes right in the middle of not feeling good. I find something, anything that I think someone, anyone else might enjoy, and I send it to them. It doesn't matter who it is. When I am that down, I've become internally stagnant and stuck. Those emotions are sitting there like pond water, and my task is to get that flow moving again. I send something good, look for more good, and as I do, I change!
  I change! The circumstances don't change. I do. After a little while, without trying to feel better, thinking only of adding to the lives of others, I begin to feel better. I can wash my face, eat something, rest, etc. Often I find myself laughing. I have to get me out of my own needs, and see what I can do for others.
   The feeling of usefulness, happiness and even joy returns. Regardless of the circumstances, I get a sense of , all is right with the world, everything is OK in this moment, I'm safe, and there is once again hope.
   I am a serious advocate of pure silliness! This stuff is the work of masters, and I make my best attempts. Silly has a way of soothing the most heavy of post-meltdown states for me, and I highly recommend it. More than anything, tender care followed by giving to others and coming out with silly, has been the most healing of acts to me.
   Importantly, I can't just jump from meltdown to silly. It doesn't work that way. I've got to feel it all, be of service somehow, then my lighthearted spirit returns. It is worth the work every time.
  Though hair styling may seem to have nothing to do with this post, here is the joyous silly that came out of this meltdown. Nothing so much heals pain for me, as a good laugh at myself.  It's a gift to help you find a smile, if you're down, and it helps me return to myself. Hope you get a laugh...
tina jones
Pin Up Curls No Heat (Speed Humor)