The Introverted Woman

Thoughts on Introversion

One reason I love Winter is this morning when I went outside, the neighbor's dog was out for a few minutes, and the neighbor was *not. That means peace. When I heard the dog, I sighed as I was sure my decadent solitude would be interrupted, but there was no need. It was a completely beautiful morning with a bonus dog. Perfect.

Far from shyness, introversion, as I experience it, is being at my best, most productive, happiest when I have a good amount of solitude. It's a treasure of a person who can feel to me like they belong in that sacred space with me and even add to it. Even people I like very much can be taxing to me. Make it three or four people, and I'm exhausted and spent for days while I spend time alone to regain my equilibrium.

Later this afternoon, I read a bit from a very smart, gallant and sexy man who spoke of freeing a woman from the shackles of introversion, and I had to smile. Time will take care of that idea, or who knows? He may be absolutely right, but in case anyone might benefit from my fallible thoughts, here they are.

Don't miss the infinite realms of introversion in an attempt to, "Free" her from it. Enter. It. If not, sure, she may let it go and meet you where you are, and you will never know her. Hear this: Someone will.

Introversion is the secret garden where ideas, lust, love and all things juicy grow,  There, she creates, in the depths of heart, mind and in her own body. There, if you're lucky or brave, you'll find the dreams just outside your consciousness - hers for sure, but yours as well. You may find something of yourself. Let her wake you -take you there. 

She's not waiting to be freed from this. In selflessness, she may abandon it to please you for a while, and that's tragic, because she's not being herself. Therefore encourage her to be selfish. 

There is wisdom in the woman of introverted artistry who is true to her being. She's building castles, heavens, and wonders and worlds. If you are invited, appreciate the work she's done, and she just may free you from the shackles of extroversion, and the ceaseless chit chat on the shallow end of the lonely networking pool, where you know as well as she does that your own hope is dying a little every day. She feels it viscerally, and she is the key. The Sea does not envy a cubicle. Enter on white horses, if you like, but never fool yourself on who's freeing whom.

tinajonesart

Detachment

I don't know if others realize this, but things happened before I was born. Really, they did.

      There were parades and protests, people fell in love too. There were wars. Babies were born, and some people died. Buildings were built, and taken down. Books were written. Paintings were done. There were songs and pieces of music. Diseases happened. Cures happened. Sometimes people got treated badly. Sometimes there were breakthroughs, and they got accepted. Flowers grew. There were forest fires, hurricanes, and sunsets. Entire species came into being, and some went away. People had jobs, and some were looking for jobs. It rained. Lipstick and light bulbs were invented. Religions and exercise routines came into being, and some of them were even pretty good, sometimes, but not always. Nations formed and dissolved. Business contacts were made. Contracts were signed. Contracts were broken. Cherry pie was eaten. Squirrels chased each other around trees. Earth orbited the sun. Ocean waves ebbed and flowed. People sneezed. Couples held hands. Moms worried. Dad's played. People worked too hard. People played too much. Grandparents told stories. Socks got holes in them. Jokes were told. Hair grew. People gossiped. Someone helped someone else. Monkeys threw dung. Camels spit. Children made up rhymes. Crickets chirped. Fashions changed. One person fed another. Someone slept with someone that other people didn't approve of. Someone married someone they didn't want to. People cared. People didn't care. There were murders. Entire communities gathered together to raise a barn for only one person, just because.

    All of this and more happened before I got here. I really don't think that when I'm gone much will be different. I also think that my being here now, is a matter of me playing one of the parts. Nothing is ever missing, and I'll get replaced, just as I replaced someone.

   There is a certain relaxation to it for me. I'm not that important. Special, to some, sure, but none of these things were dependant on my arrival, and they wont stop, when I leave.

    Somehow, I get the feeling that everything is right with this place, always has been and always will be.
    I spent a great deal of my life in causes, in protestations, and trying fix things as I saw fit. Political wonder and Joan of Arc (in my mind), I was going to straighten out this planet, as if after all of this time, suddenly I appeared and was sent it to reform everything. No, I'm here for you.
   I play a part, just like the rest of us and we create and re-create the balance that's always been.
   For now, my part seems best as the nonjudgmental observer, open heart and arms. Sometimes I'm the hand holder, the painter, and now and then I affix myself to a cause. ha...
    The world doesn't need me to fix it. It may not even need fixing. When I can step back, I think that maybe it's (we) are all in a process. Everything evolving, and in my short time here, it isn't likely I'm going to see much of it. 
Mine is just to put the next stitch in the tapestry, and hopefully with some degree of humility, gratitude, even humor and joy.
    We don't have much time, and I seriously doubt I'm here to save anyone from this evolution. I'm just part of the dance.
tina
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Meditation Experiencing Wonder

Some may remember that my son taught me it was o.k. to watch a trail of ants. I'd spent so much energy, like most people, being ever present, ever ready, ever busy, and he was the one that helped me be still. I'd been practicing meditation for a year before his birth, but it wasn't until he was five that I got it.
  We were sitting on lawn chairs next to a tree, and I was hypervigilant as always. He was engrossed in a trail of ants, and I smiled, because I used to watch them daily as a child. There was an ant mound behind the garage, and I go see what they were up to. It was a peaceful time in often very chaotic days.
   In loving, accepting and celebrating my beautiful son, I had to accept much about me, and if he relaxed by watching ants, then it was o.k. for me to relax too. I can't tell you the weight that lifted from my shoulders. He brought me home..to me.
  Of interest to me is I thought I didn't have time for meditation. I had so much to do. What I found was that taking even two minutes to be still, made me more effective in the rest of the day. I got more done, and was happier and more serene doing it. I felt very selfish to take this time for me, yet I found that the more I meditated, the more I was able to care for others, and the more I was able to participate in their wants and needs. Instead of the me against the world feelings I had, I became someone who could add to the lives of others while adding to my own. Negative feelings lessened, and more and more I saw beauty everywhere, even....in me.
  Meditation has been an integral part of my daily practice of self care since the age of 23. There are many forms, some involving breathing techniques, focus on one thing, emptying the mind, reading or visualizations. Sometimes meditation is done in our movements like walking, being fully present and noticing details, sometimes it's letting each thought and moment pass. Sometimes it's mantras, repeating a phrase that soothes, other times it's opening the mind to beauty. I used to teach meditation in a treatment center for alcoholism and drug abuse, and I enjoyed it greatly.
    This meditation is on beauty in the ordinary, stillness and the willingness to experience wonder and awe. Meditation is much more about letting it happen than trying. You can't do it wrong. smiles. In this one, all that is required is listening. It's ok if the mind wanders, simply return gently. If you feel sleepy, it may be your mind telling you, "I need more rest." We fight to be super aware a lot of the time. This time is for you.

My Meditation on Experiencing Wonder: A Trail of Ants
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxQS4RyoWic&feature=youtu.be




tina jones

Perspective of Emotion: Seeing

If you want to know who I am, listen carefully to what I say about others. There will always be a bit of truth about me in what I say or think about you or others. Everything I perceive is seen through my own eyes and experiences. My beliefs about the world and myself are one and the same.
  No person who speaks of others is a mystery. I see what I am.
  Guard your thoughts and words. Be especially careful of any negative words. Instead of "stupid" or "idiot" try "struggling" or " still learning." In either case, you'll be announcing to the world who you are, not the other person. Seek to see beauty and find things to be grateful for. Talk about these things and often! You are becoming them. When invited to complain or gossip, give of love instead. See the beauty in those who might hide behind talk of others. They speak of their own fears. Love them away, and never condemn. To do so is to condemn yourself. To love them, to lift them, is to rise with them in dignity.
    You cannot improve yourself without improving the world. We are one. When you see fault in another apply love to correct it in yourself. Again, we see what we are. I am part of you, and you are part of me. To take care of me, to heal me,  love yourself. Likewise, when you see beauty in the world, guess who you're seeing? smiles. You.
   Bring smiles where you can, point out the perfection of dandelions, the dance of life, and see that all is well, and all answers are known. If I see anger, it is with my own angry eyes. If I see incompetence, it is with my own insecurity. Therefore, see the abundance of forgiveness and the wisdom of the simple. This is not to claim the nonexistence of pain, but to claim your place in Love.  The problem with what I see is never what I see, but a problem with my own eyes. I have to shift my focus and look in the direction of Love. Then I find the beauty I see reflected in me.
  It is in you too. I see it all of the time. smiles.
tina jones


"Patience"
(Self Portrait)
36x48"
Acrylic on Canvas



The Dark Side of Beauty

The earliest records of painting on cave walls record the kill of hunt. Caravaggio presented his bodiless head on canvas to a pope, and Frieda Kahlo painted herself skewered by a rod through her abdomen depicting the most painful moment of life to her at the time. Then perhaps most gripping was "The Scream" by Edvard Munch.

 Beauty is sometimes in the countrysides, sunsets and billowing impressionistic parasols...

Othertimes it reaches into taboo, those things we'd alternately rather not think about, or we think about them when no one is watching....

"Kneeling Nude (The Prayer)"
11x14
Acrylic on Canvas

Self Love in Death's Arms

  About six or eight years ago, I attended a life drawing studio. The model was thin, and thin isn't what I would normally view as beautiful, but she was graceful and delicate with a few curves of feminity and a great mane of dark hair. I got out one of the sketches I'd done of her, and I'd left out a lot, so a painting was going to take further construction. I began working shadows and lights, and found myself remembering.
 I got very thin last year, certainly not so much as this painting, but it was bad. I had cancer. It was anal squamous cell carcinoma. I'm ok now, infact a little overweight, but I remember the "me" of the time with much tenderness. Months spent in lieing there in pain that medicine couldn't touch, often losing conciousness at the pain, unable to move, and unable to eat. My daily goal was to drink a little water. In exhausted moments, and there were some where there was less pain, daydreaming of painting the memorized ceiling, and meditating to hold on to a degree of sanity, and the quiet that comes with surrender...the acceptance of the respit of death. The "it's going to be ok," I'll rest soon, and the watching of faces of loved ones, whom I didn't want to leave, but "knew" I would, the deepest love for them and compassion at their suffering, they were so beautiful. I had lived a wonderful life afterall, and I was grateful.... In retrospect, there was even a beauty in the fragile state of such horrid illness. Looking at the painting, is at once frightening and heart-rendering. I have the feeling of wanting to pick her up and tell her she'll be ok, that's it ok to let go, and that I love her.
   I underwent a major surgery, and did it really for the love of my family, so they'd know I cared enough for them to try, but I didn't expect it to work. I had nothing left to fight with. Months went by, and so slowly I was able to eat again, move without pain and far beyond my understanding, I'm alive.
   I had seen people die before, and I had attended their needs and comfort. I have held hands and cried with them, and I've seen the peace that comes before they go. I thought I was strong, but I had never been the one who was dieing, the one who went so far into and beyond pain to absolute serenity.
   This is not the first time I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and sure as death must come for all of us one day, it won't be my last. Until then, serenity remains, love abounds and I paint.
tina jones



"Emaciated Nude"
11x14"
Acrylic on Canvas