Dear God, Goddess, Pinnochio, The Universe, Love, Life, Light, or Fred,
Oftimes, in moments where I interact in this illusion, (You know, the one where we're all separate) I wish I could edit out more of what my insides know. That separateness is an illusion. Sometimes it's annoying. It's like the dreams where we know we're dreaming, and wishing for one that felt real every once in a while. Funny...on awakening that this mind would wish for sleep. I can't imagine other people doing that, though they may.
Sometimes I might like to get away something ridiculous. I don't know, maybe I could pretend along with others that eyeshadow was what was really important, or that social status meant something to the Universe, maybe I could even pretend I was right or my group was right, and everyone else had it wrong. That game attracts a lot of people still. I could pretend that because of my age, I have special smarts that younger or older people don't have. I could pretend that you and I are not one, not even connected, and that making you understand me is the stuff that would *make* me happy. I could even pretend other people had the power to make me happy, and I could blame them...you know....get real huffy if they didn't do it according to my satisfaction and personal description of happy. OH wait! I could pretend that because I read any particular book, I am the voice of God! Hey! That oughtta sweeten the game better than owning Park Avenue does in Monopoly!
We're writing a really grand script here, and my acting skills are not up to par. Maybe I could be having more fun with this, I don't know. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I might do a better job operating the stage lighting, or organizing the cards into decks.
Perhaps the next awakening will bring perfect reason to the behavior of masses and how this mirrors even my own soul. Perhaps there is peace in this inbetween place. For now, I'd rather awaken or be sleeping, because to be human is very difficult at times, and I am tired. Home is a decision, and I want to go, so here I am....home, awake and knowing in these moments before sunrise that soon the world will ask that I pretend again that this is all there is, what I experience with five senses. It will ask of me to fullfill priorities that aren't mine. It will put carbeurators, indigestion or the news ahead of love. And I smile in my more loving moments, thought not this one, because it's ok. Though difficult, I can particpate in the illusion even knowing that carbeurators have no control over people. Maybe I or we simply need or enjoy a puzzle to solve, many don't remember yet. My brain wishes it could forget, and play at this again, and my spirit? Sometimes, I wonder if it's ever stopped playing. ....Then again, I may need a nap. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm only tired and pehaps Divinely unsettled with my own growth. hmmm....It appears I am typing to myself. Pardon my going on. I plan to be more cheerful after a rest.
I hope this tantrum gave you a smile. If not, it's Your fault. You made me this way. WINKS!