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Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Property Tax Disability Story

I have an experience with property taxes in the U.S. for disabled people (I am.) I bought my place three years ago. My disability is Social Anxiety Disorder. That means I'm not always capable of being in public. It's also Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I've been disabled since 1996. I've had a lot of adventures and sometimes I think more work and stress to keep things in order being disabled than I did when working. This  one turned out well, but it was a long, hard struggle.
   (Here in Kentucky, U.S. If a person is Disabled, they can fill out forms and not have to pay property taxes if their property is under a certain dollar amount. Please check with your individual state for what may apply to you. I was not aware of this when I purchased my place.)

   *Year 1: This was a partial year, and I had a reserve and paid the taxes I owed for that year upon purchase, no problem.

   *Year 2: I found out that, because I'm disabled, if my property was under a certain value, and it is, I would not have to pay taxes. All I had to do was bring proof to the Property Valuation Office. I went there, brought proof, and they confirmed, and I filled out papers. I did that in November after receiving my tax bill.

    * Year 3. I received notice that I was in default on my taxes. Thinking it was a mistake, I took my proof back to that office. They told me that the papers I'd filled out during year 2 were for year 3, and I owed for year 2.  (Disabled people here don't have to pay property taxes, but because I failed to know and fill out paper work during year 1, I had to pay them for year 2.) I spent last year scraping as much as I could every month to pay property taxes, in person at the County Clerk's office, then take proof to the Courthouse every month, and I got them paid 2 months before my home would have been lost for taxes. Whew! I made it! Yeah! I also at that time made sure to fill out the necessary papers in that November to make sure I wouldn't have to pay them again this year 2012.

* Preparing for Year 4: This November, I didn't receive a tax bill. I panicked. In fear I was going to have to go through paying it again little by little in 2013, I went down to the Property Valuation Office today, and I also had to bring my "Paid in Full" receipt to the Courthouse. (I had put these off in fear. Many days thinking about this, I couldn't even leave my house. The anxiety was overwhelming.) This time, however I got a wonderful surprise!  They said that they did away with asking disabled people to keep coming in (I had wondered about people that couldn't.), bringing proof and filling out the necessary papers, stating they didn't even mail out bills. I broke down and cried.! After that, I had to bring my Paid in Full Receipt to the Court House, and I continued crying through that. I couldn't stop. The poor woman who set up the payment plan was so nice. Twice before I left, she asked me to come back in just to visit sometimes! ("They like me! They really like me!" Sally Field) Unreal! It's not my idea of a good social time, but if I see her out somewhere, I'll certainly say, "Hello."
Breathing a sigh of relief, sitting home in my little happy place and sipping what may be the best cup of coffee I've had in ages,

tina jones

Monday, December 17, 2012

Marriage and Sex: Some of My Mistakes and Growth

Asperger's has put a slant on my relationships that aren't always apparent upfront. 

  While I could probably compose volumes based on the fortune of having made a treasure trove of mistakes and hopefully learned from them, I can only touch the proverbial, "Tip of the Iceberg" here. 

   So many of us struggle, and like anyone, many of us want relationships. Getting in them has never been a problem for me. Women usually do something crafty like not running, and someone finds you. It's terribly uncomplicated. I toss in a little mixing it up by flatly denying several, before deciding on one. Other times, I set about hunting rather than waiting to be netted. Whatever works, and one time one way has been best. Another time another has, so the concept of "When you're not looking," can be good or bad depending on if you want a relationship or if you're looking for some time alone. As for partners, I do have some qualifications, but that's not the point here. I want to stay general with this. The best I know to do is tell you some of my mistakes in hopes that they might be useful in avoiding some for yourself and your significant other. At least if you go through them, you might know you're not alone.

    I, probably  like many females with Asperger's, can at first appear to be someone's dream or an answer to a prayer. Nt males write songs about wanting "Honesty" (Billy Joel), and I can't remember one that didn't crush on a bratty at times people-pleaser (I dream of Jeannie). They also say they want a woman to take the lead sometimes (Margaret Thatcher?) and a strong one that can be independent, and a woman who will say exactly what she wants...Sound like you? Me too. All of those things describe me, but I am no "Jackpot." Every last one of these benign attributes taken to extreme (Is there another way?) can wear him out.....and leave us empty and resentful.  

    My Mistakes:

     Honesty for me has also meant a lack of flirting that they loved, needed, and I didn't know. Further, if discussed  I'd say it was indirect (dishonest) and silly, in effect calling them, "Silly." Not a turn on, Ladies.
     Nearly always taking the lead made me the pursuer, and they never had to/got to try.  (I was crossing sexual borders..becoming more masculine, and it left him emotionally impotent and hurt, and I didn't know.)
     People pleasing has at times meant self-sacrificing to the point of being untrue to myself/not taking care of myself. Read: I hurt me, and there is no more effective way to hurt a man than to hurt the woman he loves.
      Being perpetually independent has at times been read as, "I don't need you." I can't think of a more hurtful message to send to a person, and though I didn't know, I sure did it.
      I also tried to, "fix" them. I'm good at putting things together, but the "helping him or fixing his problem" I was trying to do out of love was received as, "You are not enough." No one ever wants to hear that. Who does not want to be loved and accepted exactly as they are?
        I was, without intent or knowing, heartbreakingly emasculating to the person I loved and wanted. 

      At the end, it did surface that he had a few large problems, but he's not here to discuss them. I can only speak of me. He did say, "I have been an excellent provider, but I wasn't much of a husband." That's true in some ways, but I was short on what makes a good wife too.

    It wasn't until the final years that I learned that being a  "Provider" and being at work was the only place I'd left for him to feel like a man, beside me or at times even above a bit. Why not? I did. At home I took care of everything. I did the repairs or arranged them, I fixed anything that I thought was broken. I "ran the show." I even helped him create presentations, and talked to his family and sometimes a friend on his behalf when he asked and when he didn't. (Ouch! I stepped on my own toes.) 
     Honest to the enth degree, yet show me the script, and I could bring down the curtain. I could reverse it all on a dime and pull off a submissive act that Shakespear would have cried trying to write. In every possible way I knew, several that a few girlfriends knew, any that the Kama Sutra had to offer, and a barrage of things Kinsey knew, I was actively, even when passively, pursuing the man

    In retrospect, I probably scared him to death at least for his wife's sanity. What I thought was loving and caring was stepping more and more into control, and I had not a clue. To my credit, I did tell him it would never be boring. I did hold up to that. Shaking my head, moving on...

            Staying at work was the only way I'd left him to keep his dignity. 

  Talking Sexy: new beginnings

      Like most of us, I knew what to say, and had gotten past any idea that he should know what to do and where sexually, but I had no idea that for him, sex started with how I treated him all day long just like it does with women.
     In the last few years, me then in my early forties, I learned to say some of the sexiest things a man can hear:
           "Thank you."
            "I'm so proud of you," 
            "I like the way you...," 
            "That was a great idea you had!"
              and every once in a while, "How did I get so lucky?" 

       What was so amazing was the more I complimented, the more I noticed, and the more I took time to see how hard he was trying, the more I saw him as a capable, strong, attractive and amazing human being. That's not all. The more I did these things, the more I liked me.

    ..Again, he had his own problems, and me working on mine didn't fix them, but it helped me to stop harming him, gave him a little dignity back, and made me a more whole, more loving person, and it made me someone with more compassion, because I was able to tell him I needed to to hear those things too, so I understood, I just thought he should know I was proud of him, that his accomplishments were obvious...just like sometimes men say women should know they are loved when he's gone all day. No on both accounts.

   I, who had no social qualms about saying anything and rarely got embarrassed, did not know that he needed to hear,
         "You are my hero."

    So many are saying, "If you want a Queen, treat her like one." It goes both ways, and I'm not talking about sandwiches or sexual acrobatics. I'm talking about the really hard stuff: Unconditional Love and Acceptance. If you want it, the best most effective way to start is to give it. (That goes both ways to, but the good news is, it doesn't matter who starts it, as long as someone does.)
    I had to let some things go undone, let him do more and more for me, and even (gasp!) let him do it his way even if it seemed "wrong" to me. Sometimes they come up with better ideas too. It's o.k. if things aren't "perfect," and it's o.k. to not always have it all sorted or have any answers. It's o.k. to even see him screw up everything and forgive, because it's even easier to forgive myself when I do it too.
    Relationships won't all work, but I think they're worth it, and in the moment, maybe we can not only give, but grow enough to be humble enough to learn to receive too. 
    I'm there too, and I'll make more mistakes. I'm sure of it, maybe they'll be even better ones. smiles. For now, I'm resting, reflecting, and taking a little time to grow, staying strong, but being perhaps a little more vulnerable, and letting someone else have the spotlight now and then. I'm only 47 though, so I'm still new at this. smiles.

 Never stop dreaming.
  with love, 
tina jones

P.S. If you have a little time, do check out my Youtube Channel: HERE

Thursday, December 13, 2012

12-12-12 Some END of the WORLD FUN! :)

   Did anyone else notice we didn't die?

   Maybe it's just me. We made it past the "end of the world" thing....again! (cough) It turns out the Mayans were wrong, or were they? What if they were not marking the end of time, but the end of an age? A time period of 26,000 years with each of the 12 zodiac signs (tribes, gates, apostles or any number of other 12 thingies like months and a load of stuff that came before the you know what of when....I really loathe history! sorry)  marking 2,000 years has ended. The last 2,000 was known as, "The Age of Pisces." What's next? I know, this sounds corny, "The Age of Aquarius."

    Will we find and move back to Atlantis? Doubtful, but fun idea! No. I don't think so. Besides, I can't swim worth a sh**! 

    What is supposed to be happening is that a 2,000 year cycle has ended. Pisceans, don't get all knotted up! You've had turns before and you will again. (Pisceans are sensitive.) Anyway, time got demarcated at some point long before every religion I know of into sections of 12, based on what could be seen in the sky. Star patterns got named (Present zodiac signs), and people in the northern hemisphere knew to plant crops in not, "the spring" but when the stars in the formation called, "Aries" was  falling directly behind the sun. Which of course is Spring.

   I'm just trying to find a good spot for this link. Pardon me...ok. You can read some more if you like. ;p

   For the past 2,000 years Pisces has been in that eastern night sky just before the sun rose..It's a'changing! Aquarius is moving into that spot. Another 2,000, and we go into the, "Age of Capricorn, " and so forth back through the signs, and "The wheels on the bus go round and round..." so the song says.
   Each new, "Age" portends a new way of life. Pisces has been near bottom of the, "Wheel of Life." It includes, "The Dark Ages," (Not just the time of a few hundred years we're familiar with, but the whole, "Kill you if you don't believe like I do, loss of humanity's awareness of anything sacred but the people burning your texts and making you whatever their beliefs are in that particular, "Age of Pisces." was harsh, but we made it! Hang tough. They didn't eat you! Woohoo?! Ok. we have a mess to clean up for sure, but we can do this! The Wheel is turning upward again. To Christians this might be the Christ's rising from his decent into Hell, and now is ascending to Heaven....(Hoping we're all on the same page now, Please?)
  Ok back to the Wheel, what comes around goes around. To those used to a Patriarchal society, it may surprise to hear this isn't about getting even, it's not about conquering anything or anyone either, in fact war has nothing to do with it..
  I can  hear it now, "Oh God! Hippie Freaks!" Umm..Thanks, but not that either, although it sounds like a great party! We don't have time for that right now.
   I'm talking about engaging our brains and hearts..."Balance." We are man and woman, Our weakness in relying on only half of that equation is showing sorely, and it's time to heal it. This is the marriage, the homecoming. In some terms, "On earth as it is in Heaven."

   Ready? This is the post apocalyptic, here, today, now, the jig is up!

What a jaunt! I've decided I want to go again. It was touch and go for a while, but it's been a fantastic ride! Who doesn't love the Dark Ages?! We had whips, chains, Inquisitions and Crusades and Bears, oh my!...

     But there's more! Yes! The Wheel, she's spun and heading silver...ok..I'll talk plain. They Mayan calendar along with some Egyptian stuff, and Vedic stuff indicating a certain time period just ended..It is now The Beginning of Time...not all time, but another time. (We do this daily too.) It's just another wake up. We're here. We made it through the night. No big deal.....unless you make it one.

    What will we make of it? That's up to each of us, and "Silver?" She's the moon, the air and spirit, the controller of waters. This is Aquarius of song and the sleep of Pisces and Patriarchy finally (yes, I was worn out too.) into balance of male and female called, "Matriarchy." This is not women controlling men. It's partnership, unity, the time of peace, and in the silver age to come, we are supposed to use our intelligence to reach high consciousness.

     Will we? Are there yet Teslas and new pyramids in our futures? Can we move through to a golden age of oneness where each went beyond the mind into serenity? "Will we?"...I don't know, but I'm still selfish enough to go ahead without you if need be into the blissful, if confusing wonderland of, "what a mess we've left to clean up!" The Wheel has crossed "rock bottom." We rise.

   Now that I've established I can go full on KPAX any time I want to, let's get real. A change is occurring  because we as humans have had enough of our own abuses and lies.

     This ain't about your, "Big Girl Panties." This is real, so bring your boots! We're going to effect this change, and we've already begun. We're doing it in practical ways by going outside and going out of our way to pick up a little trash now and then. We're taking time out to smile at someone else, hold a door for someone struggling, offering to help, doing things with no expectation, nor idea of anything return. Refusing to point fingers at anyone else and actively searching for ways to make this word and this life the beauty she is. We are the hope we long for, now aware of the Divinity that is our birthright, built in as much of DNA of time. We belong to each other, to the planet and the stars. We are indivisible, one, and now we are remembering.
      It's love thing. Enjoy the journey!

tina jones

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

She Got Legs!

Ever feel so censored by life, people and circumstances that you want to..Oh I don't know...wear a banana on your head in protest? Who needs shame? For Pete's (Why Pete?) Sake! Being a human being is not a crime. I have both been censored and censored myself to the point that anything but being a speck of immaculate dust was unacceptable  I quit that stuff years ago. Still from time to time someone will suggest that I return to my self imposed not good-enough-ness and stow myself in a shed. Umm. Thanks, but no.

So here's the deal
(Note: I'm emphatically opposed to beginning sentences with , "So." For the purposes of silliness, however I will start a sentence any with damn thing I please.) Annoying Smiley --->       :)

So (See?)
Here's the deal.

If you'd like background music: Here's some ZZ Top      Got it? O.K. Let's move on..

Apparently, legs upset some people,

Or maybe they just stir things up. (Don't use them for cake batter, unless that's your thing.)

I've never heard of Legs " That Launched a Thousand Ships"

and I've never heard any restaurant ask,
 "Do you want Legs with that?"

It's not like they are magic.

But, to my disbelief, Legs tend to worry some people to death!
I don't what they're worried about. Most people have legs.

but I've seen sweats break over them. I mean perspiration, of course. I don't know if sweat pants are capable of breaking.
In the interest of Exposure Therapy

and calming the hell down...Ohmmmm

I thought I'd stick the "Sticks" in a blog

and take a look at the practical uses for legs.

They keep the butt from bumping the floor when walking.

If enough hair is grown on them, music can be made by rubbing the "Jams" together, sort of. You've got to have a good ear. Otherwise, I recommend leg shaving.Gillette MACH3 Disposable Razor - 14 ct. - Shaving & Hair Removal (Google Affiliate Ad)

They provide something to attach your feet to.

The "Birds" are great help with dancing, but not necessary for it.

 They help when engaging in broad-jumps. I was top in my class at age ten!
Basically, what I'm saying is,
 "Don't fear nor judge the Legs." They're not out to hurt you. Legs are very busy people, what with all of the stubble-growing and stuff, and they are probably not thinking about how to make your life difficult.

They don't  talk much, but some people seem to think they say alot. In truth, often
Legs are good listeners. You know, "The Strong, Silent Type."

Thank you, for taking time to listen to the Legs.
(and for those who didn't read a word of this. Bless your heart. ;p )

tina jones

Monday, October 22, 2012

Wild Artist!

I says to my canvas, "Canvas!" I says, and 

   My canvas says, "What's up Painter Lady?!

I says, "What say we shake the dust off 'n paint something silly that we'll paint over later, and just do a bunch wild, weird stuff, 'cause nobody's lookin' 'n we don't care anyway?!"

   My canvas says, "I don't see brushes in your hand, Wimp!" so's

I says, "Brace yourself," 'n I started in a crazed fury of turpentine, and a splash of git outta my way!"

   Then I painted.....

                                                             a pear.

Yes, a pear!
Nothing special,
No, wild and weird...
 just a pear.

When I cut loose and get crazy....Look out!
 Fruit can happen!
Hide your elderly and small children!
Coop your chickens,
 and always wear clean socks....or something.

"Anti-Climactic Pear"
12x12" Oil on Canvas
But there's more!
You see, I had a problem with figuring out a good composition. It's a square, and I usually paint on rectangles
minding The Golden Mean.  If you'd like to see how I figured this one out, check out my post at About. com's Painting Forum Here:

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Because I Said So: 365 Meditations

  1. Sometimes with really funny people, you just have to hold them, until they're done crying.
  2. I don't love painting or spiders. It's just that they love me, so I've had to learn to live with them.
  3. I don't believe in the uni-verse. That's too complicated. I think there is a uni-note, and it's probably an A flat. I always liked A flats.
  4. I'm not sure about people, but I think they are probably real.
  5. I have brain damage because I was abused. I think it killed the spots in my mind that were for judging people, so I'm glad.
  6.  If nature had intended me to eat grains, I"m sure it would have given me five stomachs.
  7.  Things that smell funny like chemicals and preachers should probably be avoided.
  8. I would never ask a woman if I should have sex with a man. After all, I doubt any woman who'd had sex with him could offer an unbiased opinion, and there's no point in asking a woman who hadn't.
  9.   There may be worlds in ice cubes behind the foggy part.
  10. Brushing your teeth after meals is a good idea. Consider brushing them before breakfast too. Otherwise, you'll be eating morning breath.
  11. Cancer isn't mean cells. It's ones that are trying too hard, and need to rest and be let go of.
  12.  Virtues are not always useful.
  13.     Do not confuse age with wisdom.
  14.     The wisest words are, "I don't know."
  15.   Having babies hurts badly.
  16.     Be willing to learn as much as you can, and willing to dismiss it all if a blade of grass makes more sense.
  17.    Stay away from people who have learned anything, and stick close to those who are practicing.
  18.    If anyone asks you, "If all of your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you do it?!" Ask them why they are using a cliche. If they don't get it, give them pie. It's the least you can do.
  19.     Never worry about insanity, just be grateful when it finally gets there.
  20.    If he or she suggests doing something with you that makes you respond, "Oh my God! That's disgusting!" Eventually, you will say, "Do it again."
  21.     When you've run out of answers, you're close, but when you've run out of questions too, you're home.
  22.      Paintings and other things often resolve themselves to completion while I sleep.
  23.     It takes one hammer to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
  24.    If someone has to explain to you that they are on a certain rung of social hierarchy, they probably have low self esteem. Point out their good qualities to help them.
  25.    It doesn't matter whether or not you believe G-spots are real, but H through Z sure as hell are.
  26.   If anyone who has not been through what you are going through offers advice, they have problems bigger than you have.
  27.   On your 40th birthday, build a furniture fort.
  28.    Flashing a river boat is not nearly as intelligent as it sounds.
  29.    Plant flowers, and give them away.
  30.    The ability to do the work of three people is no excuse for it.
  31.     Do your work well, and go home.
  32.    If you receive a back rub don't ruin it by thinking about returning it.
  33.    Learn to receive.
  34.    Sex is optional. Sensuality is absolutely unavoidable, I don't recommend avoiding either. I do recommend being choosey.
  35.     Have compassion for artists if you like, but it's more important to have compassion for people who aren't.
  36.    If you see a great artwork composed of the likes of pureed cottage cheese and refuse, admire it, but do not bring it home.
  37.   Kindness and gentility are always preferable, unless it's kinder and gentler to be brutal.
  38.    Pastries in plastic will not love you, but they are fun.
  39.    Learn grammar to eloquence, but never correct another for misuse. They may come up with a better way to say it.
  40.    You will have a talent that might the best in the world. Use it without shame, and continue to try to learn what you may well be the worst at, but never take either too seriously.
  41.      One of my favorite meditations for clearing the mind is to get in the car, go the highway, set the cruise control at the proper speed limit, play music as loud as possible, roll all of the windows down, and scream.
  42.     Do not eat cabbage the night before a game of hopscotch.
  43.    If you become too adept at anything, ask a child to teach you how to do it.
  44.    Find a divine unimportance in all you do, and live your essential being.
  45.   I think if there is a God, he flatters us with gifts like bacon.
  46.    Always check the expiration dates on established norms.
  47.     Lending money ruins friendships, so give it if you have it, and don't if you don't.
  48.     If you are convinced something like tapioca is not a real food, don't make yourself  eat it.
  49.      Waiting is hard, so give people time instead, and go do your things.
  50.     Always have something soft to hold.
  51.      Ask for hugs when you need them, and be willing to give them, but never force nor expect them.
  52.    If you find anyone who has the answer, assume they are delusional, and take notes.
  53.    If you fancy the company of pigeons, bring an umbrella and galoshes.
  54.    If you seek a teacher, find one that does not know.
  55.     If you find someone talking to themself, listen, because people often keep the best stuff to themselves. 
  56.   I don't know much about anything, but I know a little about several things.
  57.    The word, "Healthy" in front of any food or activity does not make it so.
  58.     There is only one good reason to have sex: Because you want to.
  59.     Lids that don't match bowls make good picnic plates.
  60.     Try not to smoke. It makes other people very cranky, and goodness knows they are bitchy enough.
  61.     You will know a thing is healthy if you makes you feel better, and has no ill consequences.
  62.    The word, "Medicine" doesn't always make a thing something that heals.
  63.     Stay in the shower too long and use all of the hot water from time to time.
  64.    If you find a horn, blow on it, else what's the point?
  65.   Not being able to sing well is the best reason to enjoy doing it.
  66.     If you buy the newest model of car or the latest treatment, you are the clinical trial.
  67.    I'm not as old as I feel. I'm as old or as young as I dream.
  68.    I love the formaldehyde stench of a fresh canvas.
  69.     No one who says, "Goulash" will mean the same thing the next person does.
  70.     Look to comedians for wisdom, preachers for salesmanship, and cooks for good sex.
  71.     When in a new town looking for a good restaurant, follow people over 70. They know what they're doing. 
  72.     Kegels are not for wimps. Be tough.
  73.    Always be patient and understanding with highly educated people. They have been very busy, and often haven't had time to learn much.
  74.     In relationships, if you are too busy to make love, do it twice.
  75.      If there isn't enough time to get everything done, double your porch sitting time.
  76.    If it is worth doing, it's worth doing with absolute abandon.
  77.    Ask for help when you need it, and sometimes when you don't, just because people feel good when they help.
  78.    Trust a child to pick out a good dog. You probably knew how at one time. You just forgot.
  79.    Do something for someone else, just because it feels good.
  80.    If everyone is doing it, out do them.
  81.    All gourds are works of art that don't need your input through painting or carving, but they will welcome someone to play with.
  82.    I don't care if you get a tattoo or a body part pierced, but be original about it or don't bother.
  83.    Any time someone speaks to you in cliche, respond with the name of an obscure vegetable or little known Latin oozing disease.
  84.     Admire and enjoy the simplicity and serenity of black and white, then throw red on it violently.
  85.     If you meet a person who loves pastel colors, understand that they will commit to a real color when are ready.
  86.    All clothing that sparkles will itch.
  87.    If bothered by someone, try using words like, "mucous."
  88.   It's just paint.
  89.   If you see a lack of good in someone including yourself,  get an eye exam. The error is in the eyes.
  90.    You don't have to eat anything that you don't want to eat, nor anything that you want to, but I suggest you eat something.
  91.    Be gentle when combing your hair. Just because you don't feel pain when the ends break, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
  92.   For a successful long term relationship, you must learn to tolerate a great deal of bullshit. Some of it will be theirs.
  93.    Always be respectful of people who try to give you advice. They are doing it because they are out of candy, and don't have anything else to give.
  94.     If you walk a mile in the shoes of your significant other, you will get blisters, and look funny doing so.
  95.    If there is no humor to be found in it, either now or later, it is rarely worth your time.
  96.     The epitome of courage is the willingness to be utterly vulnerable, but watch out who you do it with.
  97.     Teach your children how to treat you when you're old, by treating them in like fashion when they are young.
  98.    Cactus will reach for you when you are not looking.
  99.     Never take leaps of faith. Free-fall!
  100.      If you should inherit my paintings, use them for compost. I like tomatoes, and you'll need the room for your own work. 
  101.     Leave any situation that requires you to take medication to stay in it.
  102.     Do mindless activities often.
  103.     Never promote your beliefs, and have compassion for those who do. They don't know better.
  104.     No matter how much we learn, there will always be someone who makes a better salad than we do.
  105.       Scorpions never lie. They are who they say they are.
  106.      People will usually say who they are upfront. Always pay attention, and trust your feelings.
  107.      If you want to know who anyone is, simply listen to what they say about others.
  108.      If it can't be fixed with duct tape, try anyway and you may be stuck with it.
  109.      I suspect there is more to being, "moved" by music than emotion, so touch instruments and lean against speakers. I'm sure it cures something.
  110.      It's easy to find people to listen, but it's not easy to find one you can hear.
  111.      The secret to longevity is not dieing.
  112.       Whatever you do in each, Now is the most important thing there is.
  113.        If you are eating a marshmallow, give it your full attention. Marshmallows do not deserve less.
  114.      Make a habit of looking in the mirror and saying, "I love you," especially when you don't feel it.
  115.     Sometimes you have carry strong people for a while, until they can stand again.
  116.      Whenever you can, take a word with soft sounds and multiple syllables, and insert the word, "Fuck" in it. It'll perk up a conversation, especially with retentive people, and they need loosening up more than anyone.
  117.     The most important time to dance is when no one has asked you to.
  118.      I f you must involve yourself in politics and religion, drink a lot. If drinking is bothersome, quit all three.
  119.    Thinking we are not enough and thinking we are too much is often the same thing.
  120.    If no one is listening, open your ears. There are songs that are sung only for you.
  121.    If you see beauty, it's only because it's what you are.
  122.     Inhibitions are not very useful. I don't recommend them.
  123.       Many people are insecure, lift them.
  124.       There is no need to worry over the opinions of others. Most are very busy thinking of themselves.
  125.      Alcohol and drugs, can be useful in lowering inhibitions, if you like having inhibitions.
  126.     Dance on a table top completely sober.
  127.     If you feel bad, and realize it's been a long time since you stuck your toes in mud. That's probably the problem.
  128.    Sometimes I'm afraid I'll plagiarize myself from a past life, and not remember I said it.
  129.    Common sense is in the common of the senser.
  130.     Pray for the souls of religious people, and carry mace.
  131.     Say what you think without holding back sometimes. Be willing to get it completely wrong.
  132.      Always know that what you feel is right and valid.
  133.     If a food has an unpalatable texture, consider painting with it.
  134.    No matter how well you do something, someone will hate it.
  135.     No matter how poorly you do something, someone will love it.
  136.     Be a thing you do brilliant or poor to you, it is a matter of judgement, rather than fact.
  137.      Always respect your work without judgement.
  138.     Blowing bubbles is a lost art form. Bring it back.
  139.     Keep a few empty pens with you at all times. That way if someone asks to borrow your pen too often, you can offer these. They will become tired of you and your empty pens.
  140.    Anger can be invigorating momentarily, but it's almost always a tiring experience.
  141.    There are ten thousand greens, enjoy them all.
  142.     Mountains are long to climb,. Celebrate the ledges.
  143.     If a person seems to be stuck going in circles, join them.
  144.     Be covert with good deeds. They are more fun when they are sneaky.
  145.     It's a fungus.
  146.     If you've been sad for too long, ask the skies to let you see beauty, and when it comes, allow yourself to cry.
  147.     If you walk by a swing set without swinging, you've insulted the swing. Go back and apologize.
  148.     No amount of money will make you afraid of not having it.
  149.      Lose the fear of financial insecurity, and you'll have more than you need.
  150.     If you find a person who is very focused on money no matter their financial state, leave a penny in their path.
  151.    When light plays through leaves it's giggling with a breeze.
  152.    If fears could keep a person from harm, I'd recommend them.
  153.   My best work has been in self doubt, at other times I was assuredly wrong.
  154.    I like people who make mistakes best.
  155.     If you see a weird person who looks happy chewing on their hair, try it.
  156.   If you have an idea or dream that cannot harm another in any way, then insist to yourself that you do it.
  157.    Die daily, so that when death comes, it will be another sleep, and awaken daily amazed you get another chance.
  158.    Don't let anyone tell you to stop and smell the roses. Life will trip you when you are ready.
  159.    Roses have a way of insisting on being sniffed, so when you fall into thorns might as well enjoy it.
  160.    Anyone who will  tell you that you'll go to hell for touching yourself is usually trying to figure out a way to do it for you.
  161.    I neither like nor dislike armadillos, because I've never met one, much less all of them.
  162.    The only "sin" is to act unloving to yourself. Harming others is never an act of self love. Always ask the self forgiveness for this, and make amends immediately and often.
  163.    If you want to know something, learn it, but if you want learn something, teach it.
  164.    At the birth of your grandchildren, you might be fortunate enough to have finally learned how to be a student.
  165.    If you never grow up, don't worry about it. The world needs playmates too..
  166.    The greatest sign of maturity I have seen was the ability to stomp in mud puddles. Follow those who do.
  167.     Animals know more than people. Talk to them all you want, but if you don't listen, you won't learn much.
  168.      A magnifying glass can in fact make a person's butt look big.
  169.     In order to avoid losing consciousness from boredom in sports activities, it helps to memorize times table in your mind.
  170.    If you don't like licorice, and someone keeps giving it to you, say, "Thank you," and throw it away. A mouse somewhere in a dumpster will be happy to have it.
  171.    Even the flame of an ugly candle can soothe a spirit.
  172.    Go to the woods often, especially if you're scared, and hold on to a tree. That's what trees are for, and they need to be needed too.
  173.    Never change your sleeping habits for another person. Your body knows what it needs, and this is often the first act of dishonesty in relationships.
  174.    Be true.
  175.     Help people who are helping others.
  176.     Everything you encounter is part of you and sacred.
  177.    When possible, be silly. Someone has to do it, and most people are too lazy.
  178.     Never make religion of anyone's beliefs, especially mine.
  179.     Always remember you will know more than I do, and so will your children know more than you.
  180.     Never judge youth as folly, and be merciful with yourself when age forgets wisdom.
  181.     Camels are funny looking people, but they have the most beautiful eye lashes.
  182.    Always take the opportunity to study at the knee of a child.
  183.    Many things in life need be taken seriously, but few need be taken terminally.
  184.     When the wind tickles your hair, it's because it likes you.
  185.     You will already know the answers to your questions.
  186.    Ask your questions and the answer with match your inner knowing when it rings of freedom.
  187.      Enjoy your questions. They are more fun than answers.
  188.       When you have answer, be quick to find another question.
  189.     If someone teases you too much, they want your attention. Educate them on a better way to get it.
  190.     If you need to walk away from someone and they follow you, get a restraining order. 
  191.    At least once in life, put a banana sticker on your nose, and behave as if nothing is amiss, just to see how people react.
  192.     Enjoy people. That's why they're here.
  193.      If you meet a person who cannot be wrong, forgive this error.
  194.      Plot a way to dance daily.
  195.      Be strong, but never miss the chance to fall apart, and let someone else be strong.
  196.      When you cry, don't be a wimp about it. Let go with everything you've got, bawl, wail, lay in the floor. Feel it totally. Only then will it truly pass.
  197.      Expect happiness to the extent that you are willing to feel sorrow.
  198.     Pitted olives are best eaten after being worn on the fingertips.
  199.      If you can eat without getting a speck of food on you, you are good and tidy, but if you insist in it, you are dull.
  200.         Everyone has the right to think and say whatever they like. You have the right not to listen to it.
  201.        Burn this list. It's clutter, and you don't need it. Everything you need is within you.
  202.       You deserve the best, and life is designed to cause all other things to fail for you.
  203.    Do your best to never act under the influence of alcohol, drugs or another human being.
  204.    Should you act under the influence of alcohol, drugs or another human being replace the chickens, hold your chin up, and move on.
  205.     Always bring a towel.
  206.     If you hear a gossiping, walk away. Gossip requires a listener.
  207.     Offer gossipers a tissue, because their judgmentalism is leaking.
  208.     Say good things about people behind their back.
  209.      Carefully calculate the trajectory of spit balls, then forget it and go for it.
  210.  If it is impossible, you'll probably get it done by accident, so don't try too hard.
  211.  Never pray hard. That is rude, and  it hurts God's (the Universe, Love's, Light's) ears. Pray softly and let go.
  212.   If you don't know what to pray, just recite the alphabet.  The Universe is smarter than we are. It can figure out the words.
  213.     The Universe is not so shallow nor impotent that it needs you to believe in anything.
  214.     You are the Universe, only imagined separate.
  215.       A journey of more than 2 miles begins with a trip to the restroom.
  216. Learn to study, even if you don't need to. Someday, something is going to be hard.
  217.    If you do something different or brilliant, and people follow you, stop it and do something else.
  218.     Encourage originality in others.
  219.    If you stub your toe, hold it and love it, then move the furniture.
  220.    If you talk, walk or do anything oddly be grateful for it, and create of style of it.
  221.    Whatever you do that is strange, do it the best strange you can do.
  222.     If you aim to fit in, you will make an excellent sardine, so dream jellyfish dreams.
  223.     Accept much more than you understand on any day.
  224.      It is too hard to stop thinking about something, instead think about something else.
  225.      If you find you are being taken advantage of, you will harm the person by continuing to allow it.
  226.      Weather will occur.
  227.     If you find that your small child has put on a diaper past the appropriate age, consider that they may be playing, "Ghandi."
  228.     The only waste of a rainy day is failing to get your hair wet.
  229.      If you see someone about to do something foolish, get a good seat.
  230.     You will meet no one more worth loving than you.
  231.      If you must read newspapers, do not neglect the cartoons.
  232.      Books and smooth stones are people too. They like to be held and heard. Listen.
  233.      Breasts float. Swimsuits don't. Don't ever forget that.
  234.      If you get a chance to experience poverty personally, do it, and do it for a while, but don't stay there.
  235.     It is the utmost of responsibility that you do nothing for a while every day.
  236.       Respect the morals of others and those written in books, but find your own and be true to them.
  237.      Incessant activity is the surest sign of spiritual and emotional laziness.
  238.      If an annoying song sticks in your head, sing it to others. The laughter will clear the mind.
  239.      The only cure for fear is love. Judging our own or an other's fear as silly or surmountable through sheer will is therefore ridiculous.
  240.      It is true that all you need is Love.
  241.     Love acts. It pays the electric bills, takes out the trash, and fetches the antacids between hand holding sessions.
  242.     Right and wrong is usually as plain as simple and complicated.
  243.     If you have a very big problem, and don't know the next right thing to do, do the next simple thing.
  244.     Washing the dishes solves many problems by accident.
  245.      If you catch a child drawing on walls, do not disturb them. Upon finishing, applaud their creativity, and get them a sponge.
  246.      If you have too much to do, make a list of the items, and give yourself credit for the smallest things done, including making the list.
  247.     Burning a candle at both ends is best done with a timer, so is boiling eggs.
  248.     Cursing is audible punctuation. Use it correctly, and don't be sloppy. Too many exclamation points in one sentence can be boring.
  249.      Make up your own curse words whenever possible. Originality has more impact.
  250.     If you meet a person who is misunderstood, understand that, and walk away in hopes they will come to understand themselves.
  251.      Never give 'til it hurts. Give 'til it feels good.
  252.       Say, "No." at least once a day to keep in good practice.
  253.      Say, "Yes" at least once a day, only when it's fun to do so.
  254.     On tests write the correct answer, but in life use the right one.
  255.     Avoid the pursuit of pain, and embrace it when it comes. It is only a messenger of change.
  256.     Change is Love in action. You are Love and Change.  Resistance to who you are is the source of pain.
  257.      It's ok to be afraid.
  258.      It's ok to run away from Love, but Love, you can't help but bring it with you. It's who you are.
  259.     If at work, you step in the droppings of an animal, a politician or a preacher, do not bring those shoes in your house.
  260.     Everything we do that is not directly loving to those we care for is a means to be loving.
  261.      Treat all of your actions with respect and reverence.
  262.      No menial task is unsacred.
  263.       No profanity is unsacred.
  264.     All things are one, and cannot exist without you.
  265.     Realize and live your importance.
  266.       You are sacred.
  267.      No matter your greatness, remember the greatest have served beyond their successes, and know that's how they became successful.
  268.      Your body contains who you are like a droplet contains the skies.
  269.      Look at the bark of trees and try to decide which should live.
  270.         Learn rules and follow them, but do not neglect to break rules that have outlived their usefulness.
  271.        If it isn't just a little bit mad, then burn the damned canvas, and start over.
  272.      Loneliness is life's way of telling us we need to practice an unselfish act. Checking on a friend will heal this.
  273.     The world was fine before you got here, and it'll be ok after you're gone. Try not to make a mess, but if you do, make it a spectacular one.
  274.     If anything is always right, there will be a time when it's wrong
  275.     If anything is always wrong, there will be a time when it's right, be open to it.
  276.      Take nothing seriously and everything sacredly.
  277.       If you miss the love you had with someone, always remember at least half of what you remember was you, and still is. 
  278.       Time spent learning to wiggle the ears is never wasted.
  279.       Welcome input, and make your own decisions.
  280.        "Notan" in painting is using limited values, or to me, the art of being too timid to go all of the way. Try not to live life this way.
  281.       When you don't know what to say, you may be the very important Listener.
  282.      When an idea cannot be contained in silence, when it bubbles in you, and others won't listen, sing it or paint it so loud as to level silence.
  283.     Play air golf in front of security cameras, unless your arms are full, then only do Riverdance.
  284.     If you should stumble in your words or actions in front of others, find the humor gently in you, loving it back to center through your own smiles.
  285.       Lovers: admire their tidiness in laundry, but never accept it in sex.
  286.     Do not try to control gas, rather eat pleasantly, and lean slightly to the side and  toward the person. They will think you are interested.
  287.     Keep a score card handy with the number, 10 on it, just incase gas escapes loudly, so you can brag.
  288.     Avoid getting fly strips stuck in your hair.
  289.     The most loyal and loving of puppies will poo on the floor sometimes. Keep that in mind for people.
  290.      Ants know something. Watch them.
  291.      Be open to solutions. Sometimes Cheddar cheese does what I thought only chocolate would.
  292.    Old rocks and bits of wood make good treasures.
  293.     Never worry about being too fat or too thin. We are baskets, and sometimes we get too many apples or neglect to get enough. Ask for apples if you need them or share your surplus. You will return to balance.
  294.     Be happy today. Someday will take care of itself.
  295.      Always try to attend parties with mixed nuts. They are much more fun than ordinary people.
  296.      If you see you've made a mistake, never scorn yourself for it. That is a second mistake, rather improve.
  297.      Learn to have fun suspecting Life, God or Change is up to something sneaky and good, then play along.
  298.      The most important work you will do is your play.
  299.       You are already free.
  300.       The most important moment in any day is your stillness.
  301.       If you want to change anything, Love it, and discover the beauty in it as it is.
  302.      Fight for nothing, but Love with everything you've got.
  303.      If you see a bit of stray rice on your plate, flick it and see if you can clear the table. One point each time.
  304.      Collect something.
  305.      If you think something terrible, chances are someone has thought it or done it bigger, badder and better than you, so don't worry about it.
  306.     Philosophers are bullshitters of the highest calling.
  307.     If you find someone crying over a triviality, sit and cry with them.
  308.      One way to become what you don't want to be is to eat what you are not.
  309.     If you find someone laughing at a joke you didn't get or hear, laugh at their laughter.
  310.     Always enjoy contact happiness. If you can't find something to be happy about, borrow someone else's happiness, and be happy for them.
  311.     If you think, it's ok. It will pass.
  312.     Wrinkles are part of growing up, wear them elegantly.
  313.      Exercise that injures the body defeats it's own purpose.
  314.      You might as well dance.
  315.       See the sentience in all things, and let them breathe life into you when you're tired.
  316.       Skipping naps is not an option, unless you want to.
  317.        Why would trees make canopies if you weren't supposed to lie on the ground and view the stars through them?
  318.     Unless you're into tossing pillows and throwing rugs, try to do without them.
  319.     Breathe.
  320.     Make others laugh every chance you get.
  321.     Put your feet in brooks.
  322.     Water feels good to touch, and water feels good when it gets to touch you.
  323.      If you take a medicine that requires two other medicines to tolerate, stop it.
  324.       There is more healing in the touch of the one who loves you than in all of the pharmacies of the earth.
  325.      If  faith healer tries to lay hands on you, slap them, and tell them you were seized by the spirit.
  326.      Anything with more than five eyes is obviously drunk. Talk to it if you want, but don't expect it to listen.
  327.       Never judge a person for anything, lest you judge yourself in any way.
  328.      Even stones are worthy of your tenderness.
  329.      There is nothing that needs changing about you.
  330.       You are absolute perfection and amazing.
  331.        You are enough even when you sleep.
  332.        If you suspect someone is an angel, they probably are. Seek counseling anyway.
  333.        I'm not sure if sweet potatoes are food. Be cautious.
  334.       Though you may love all, you cannot be a friend to all, rather be a good one to a few.
  335.       Allot the precious hours in your day to those that nourish you.
  336.       You will know and do greater things than I am capable of dreaming.
  337.        Fly with your ideas, even if they fail, you will have known wings.
  338.        Never estimate yourself, your estimation will fall short.
  339.        Be.
  340.        You can absolutely trust birds to be birds, snakes to be snakes and humans to be human.
  341.         Everything is not going to be ok...It already is.
  342.       Love as if your life depended on it. It does.
  343.      Discarded chewing gum may one day prove useful, but I don't think it will make a good sidewalk.
  344.      Before you turn your nose up at any food, remember that honey is bee regurgitation.
  345.      There is no such thing as kinky or obscene between lovers.
  346.       Accept everything, but choose whether or not to live that way.
  347.       If you don't want to shower, don't. Be sure, however that you do want to smell funny.
  348.       No matter how short or tall you are, someone will think you are just right.
  349.        There is great value to being alone in the woods. Bring insect repellant. The crowds out there are rough.
  350.        If you become a parent, it is most important to put yourself in time-out daily.
  351.       It doesn't matter if you get up at 5am or stay up until 5am. You must see the sunrise now and then.
  352.       Birds sing, because you are listening, and flowers bloom in hopes you'll see.
  353.       If nature shows off too much in beauty, laugh at it.
  354.        The daily consumption of apples, dates and bananas is a far healthier way to make your teeth fall out.
  355.        If you are hungry, eat.
  356.        Avoid redundancy, unless it was really good the first time.
  357.         Be there for others, but keep care of your own serenity, else you're no use to others.
  358.       If a tornado is beating you up, get in the middle of it and meditate.
  359.        Everything seems big, until it passes.
  360.        If you are facing something very hard, go to a quiet place, surrender to the idea that you can't do it. Accept and embrace defeat, then humbly show up, and let it happen anyway.
  361.       Ego is often the only thing stopping us.
  362.       Ego is the illusion that anything depends on our self  alone. Surrender serves to help us remember we are one with all.
  363.       The stars over any part of the world could not be more pleased to see you than where you are now.
  364.        One day I wont be in this form, but I'll always be with you.
  365.        Don't remember me when I go. Remember each other.
  366.        Always do sneaky things just for the chance to see another smile.        

with love,
Mammatina (tina jones)



Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Smoking Cessation Rant Humor

I don't know if I'm going to keep doing this. 
It's seriously god-awful, no matter how perky anyone gets about it, so please relax. 
That sort of thing makes me very nervous
   It's 32 days. I meant to write at 30, but I had things on my mind. I'm smoke free.

                                         Calm down!

I *said* that makes me nervous!  I'm not really up to "congratulations."  (Please don't!) It's more something that calls for condolences as far as feeling. I'm not really happy about it or celebratory. I've smoked most of my life, and I feel like I've lost a leg. It's painful. It sucks, and it's sorrowful. Being post cancer, I doubt it's going to be of any real physical benefit to me, but it may improve the lives of others, and I'm saving a little money.
To be clear: I love smoking, and I love smokers. There is nothing that smells better than cigarette smoke. Old ashtrays and morning-after doused campfires hold a certain air of ashy beauty to me. If you are smoker, god knows you've heard enough nagging. Enjoy if you do. I do not care. The worst that could happen to me is that I may sit entirely too close, and sniff you a lot to get some sweet memory back.

As for physical changes, I now have pink on my face. I don't think it's contagious. I don't remember ever seeing that before. My fingers are also pink. I guess that's ok, and is probably even good, but just in case, I won't be touching anyone. (That was humor. I don't generally touch people anyway.) I don't cough as much, so that's good too.

My senses are "back" to where they were when I was a kid. That's bad. I have serious food taste/smell aversions related to being Autistic (Asperger's) that smoking cloaked somewhat. I smell everything and everyone now, and I've been nauseated off and on this past month, nearly  "lost it" a few times.

I hear better too! That sucks. My tornado-like fan is no longer muffling the gearing down or the air breaks of semi-trucks from the not too distant highway. I've found if I lightly rub different parts of my ear, it makes various pitches. Hair sweeping against the ear makes several at once. I've nearly jumped out of my skin several times thinking there was a bug nearby. The "buzzing" sound was air escaping ice cubes in my glass. I am about 35 ft from my wind up kitchen timer. It's driving me nuts! I think that not smoking probably got rid of some nasal congestion that was dulling my hearing. I miss that.

About that sense of smell, I have taken more showers this month than is probably healthy for a person, and I may wear my enamel to the gums brushing my teeth, because I now smell everything I eat. Food is so incredibly gross! I have no idea how people could possibly "gain" weight quitting smoking.

Shopping trips afford me a sea of odors wafting from several restaurants, and grease that may be older than I am. I have held on to the side of my car, shaking and willing myself not to hurl in the parking lot. I can smell soured milk  stains on darling infant shirts six customers ahead in the check out lane. The smell of yeast in the baked goods section made me dizzy, and I might as well have been slapped with a Salmon as to go a foot closer to the Fresh Fish section.

       (Is "Fresh" a metaphor? I'm not sure.)

I have discovered layers of funk in my house that I had no idea were there. My refrigerator had sort of an "old cheese gone wrong" smell to it. Imagine Roquefort with teeth on it. I emptied it and used a whole can of bathroom cleaner, the serious "Bleach until your eyes fall out" kind, and now it just smells like cheese with a nice hint of lemon. My blanket smelled like, (oh gag) me, but not the me I've known for years. That's right, it smelled like "Sweaty locker room Me" at age 13, and I am here to tell you it was not pretty. There are hints of mildew here and there that I've yet to find, and I nearly knocked myself out with some body spray. It was some kind of "Kill you to death Peach" stuff.Yeah, that's going get donated. I'd chuck it down the drain, but it would stink up my sink.

  This is nasty, not smoking, and I don't know why anyone would do it on purpose and be happy about it.

   Condolences appreciated.
 (congratulations will be met with wood splints under the fingernails.)
((telling me what smoking or quitting does to a person will be met with beheading.))
(((warning me to never do it again, will be met with blank, "You have GOT to be kidding me." stares. Those particularly painful.)))
....and please TRY to keep your ice cubes quiet!

Thank You,
tina jones

Monday, October 8, 2012

My Bed is Too Tired: "The Listener"

"The Listener"
24x36 Oil on Canvas
My bed is too tired    
and my pillow is dry
My blankets are cold
and my light is weak
My face is too wet
and I cannot sleep
my stomach is broken
that's where pain weeps
Bruises, too many                                  
inside out
and I scarcely speak
if I could I'd shout
no words to say
the puzzle's not mine
I can't fix this one
there is no time
I'm by myself
and I don't mind
It's warmer here
in cold sublime
The Listener talks
and I can see
she smiles now
here with me
In red cloak
and golden rings
hands folded
softly sing
Sleep, dear one
time will pass
and hurt will end
return again
to seasons new
here or there
Life or beyond
without despair
No Vincent!
I will not give up!
Damn you
for leaving.
Stood us all up,
Then used once gone
for a story
that never ends
and grows of your
despicable end.
Shall I go?
No, not today.
 My pillow is too dry
and my blankets need me.
Tomorrow is another try
willing even
 if I must cry.
and this is strength,
 I'm told.
to crumble to hold
to one more hope
in nothing but
breath, and
the desire to
see what's next.

   (Written earlier, this was composed mid-meltdown. I didn't completely lose my words this time. They came a few at a time, simplistic, and I hope not too confusing. I'm better now. I usually write when I'm at my best, but I think sometimes it may be good for others to see that I fall apart sometimes. My painting comforts me. It is like my, "spirit" to me, as if I'm reaching to that part of me that is always ok., and knows feelings pass, and peace returns. Thanks for reading.)

tina jones

Thursday, August 30, 2012


I don't know if others realize this, but things happened before I was born. Really, they did.

      There were parades and protests, people fell in love too. There were wars. Babies were born, and some people died. Buildings were built, and taken down. Books were written. Paintings were done. There were songs and pieces of music. Diseases happened. Cures happened. Sometimes people got treated badly. Sometimes there were breakthroughs, and they got accepted. Flowers grew. There were forest fires, hurricanes, and sunsets. Entire species came into being, and some went away. People had jobs, and some were looking for jobs. It rained. Lipstick and light bulbs were invented. Religions and exercise routines came into being, and some of them were even pretty good, sometimes, but not always. Nations formed and dissolved. Business contacts were made. Contracts were signed. Contracts were broken. Cherry pie was eaten. Squirrels chased each other around trees. Earth orbited the sun. Ocean waves ebbed and flowed. People sneezed. Couples held hands. Moms worried. Dad's played. People worked too hard. People played too much. Grandparents told stories. Socks got holes in them. Jokes were told. Hair grew. People gossiped. Someone helped someone else. Monkeys threw dung. Camels spit. Children made up rhymes. Crickets chirped. Fashions changed. One person fed another. Someone slept with someone that other people didn't approve of. Someone married someone they didn't want to. People cared. People didn't care. There were murders. Entire communities gathered together to raise a barn for only one person, just because.

    All of this and more happened before I got here. I really don't think that when I'm gone much will be different. I also think that my being here now, is a matter of me playing one of the parts. Nothing is ever missing, and I'll get replaced, just as I replaced someone.

   There is a certain relaxation to it for me. I'm not that important. Special, to some, sure, but none of these things were dependant on my arrival, and they wont stop, when I leave.

    Somehow, I get the feeling that everything is right with this place, always has been and always will be.
    I spent a great deal of my life in causes, in protestations, and trying fix things as I saw fit. Political wonder and Joan of Arc (in my mind), I was going to straighten out this planet, as if after all of this time, suddenly I appeared and was sent it to reform everything. No, I'm here for you.
   I play a part, just like the rest of us and we create and re-create the balance that's always been.
   For now, my part seems best as the nonjudgmental observer, open heart and arms. Sometimes I'm the hand holder, the painter, and now and then I affix myself to a cause. ha...
    The world doesn't need me to fix it. It may not even need fixing. When I can step back, I think that maybe it's (we) are all in a process. Everything evolving, and in my short time here, it isn't likely I'm going to see much of it. 
Mine is just to put the next stitch in the tapestry, and hopefully with some degree of humility, gratitude, even humor and joy.
    We don't have much time, and I seriously doubt I'm here to save anyone from this evolution. I'm just part of the dance.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Understanding Neurotypicals: When the Labels Disappear

    There it was almost visual. I felt it as she approached, and I said the learned, "Hello. How are you today?" and she answered in the well arranged mirroring. Others are so much better at that than I am.
     Her voice offered a cheerful, "Did you find everything you need?" and I answered, "Yes. Thank you." Her being, no not her body, voice, eyes nothing that tells of these things, said, "I'm not ok."
  She went on to tell me about return policies, in case I ever needed to use them indicating, one should  keep the packaging as well as the receipt, as so many steal these days, ending with, "You wouldn't believe what they steal!" I chimed something like, "Oh, but I would." Might as well. I've learned my natural silence makes people uncomfortable, and it's not too much effort much time to do the expected back up chorus. I had to be there until my things were totaled anyway, and before we'd finished I learned a great deal.

   I don't always know what to say, so I listen a lot, and it seems listener is my best role. She told of an instance where, as per her job, she saw a teen pursing some items, and she confronted the child. Her voice beginning to show signs of shakiness, she went on to tell that after a bit, the teen cried, returned the items, and she asked for the Mother's phone number. She called and all was well, as the mom seemed kind.
   Sensing what felt of doubt, I told her that may have been the best thing that ever happened to the child and it may well have saved her later worse problems. Relief coming from her like a breeze, she said, "Yes," and related a similar experience.
  I was glad, as I had none to share.

  She took me to her childhood, this woman of probably  50, whereupon spying a beautiful jar full of dimes, she thought she might take some, and had a wonderful day at the arcade. I smiled. These coins belonged to her father, and she said it was a week later, that he told her, he knew. Here visage by then changing, eyes becoming wet.
   That story could go numerous ways, but her eyes. They told.
    She related, admiration in her voice, that he gave her a week to learn on her own  that she'd made a mistake, and she had. I smiled, and without thinking, perhaps too personal, as I often do, in awe, I said, "I can see your love for him in your eyes." I didn't mean to disarm.
   With that, her tears came, and her face turned pink, and she answered smiling, "Oh yes! I love him. He is the best!" Her hands waving in the air to indicate, barring all other, he was HER Dad!. My face hurt for the smiles.
   Her voice choked, as I picked up my bags and took my receipt. Both hands over her heart, she said, "He adopted me at three months old." Then backing away, she wished me a nice day as tears spilled and she smiled, I left her, and she left her stand. I imagine to go to solitary gratitude in the store room, or maybe she went to call her Dad. It sounded like a, "Thank you might be due to me." smiles.
    I write this to tell you, it's rarely about me, my struggles to communicate. It's hardly ever about my difficulties, and often silenced, by any number of things in public, and so very sensitive, I become the unarmed solace, the listener. I see so much beauty, and this time I cried in my car, simply because her love was beautiful, and I got to see it.

   Sometimes it's exactly my disabilities that enable me to be still enough to see these things. If I could talk better, she might not have had the chance to shine, so I'm glad. smiles.
   As for understanding Neurotypicals (those not on the Autism Spectrum), I don't know if it has a lot to do with Autism. Maybe it's just about people with one strength being there for people with other strengths. I guess I'm a safe place. time after time the social guards of others fall around me, and I don't know why. It also seems that those innocent and hiding nothing seem relieved when we've encountered. Maybe that's the people I'm here for,  my purpose.

   I'd always loathed this Selective Mutism, but maybe it's just just the Universe telling me to be still, and listen. Mostly, what I learned was that I don't have casual conversation or casual encounters of any kind, even when I try. I am intimate and real, and when that is what, even a stranger ringing up items needs, something amazing happens that is far bigger than Neurotypicalism, Autism or me.

tina jones

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Grace Unearned

Only those who, like me have stood in the enlightenment of their own inadequacies..
 Those who have earned every failure
  Those who, despite good intent
and those who have, like me, many times fallen to lesser motive
Those who have indulged vengeful thoughts
and in another turn done great deeds
and those who have seen themselves as a whole
often making mistakes and trying again
Those who still, inspite of all of this find themselves loved
Indescribably and beyond reason embraced,
Cherished! Even and because of our very humanness,
having utterly failed at earning even a kind word
Here we are loved.

  I have known no greater confusion than the extent and reach of love for even me.
and it is a cunning thing, this debt I owe.
No matter how I try to give it away, it comes back
the debt incurs and I am left with more debt of love.
So, should you, like me find yourself undeserving,
Do tolerate those of us to love anyway and because of your state
If I don't, I fear I may burst for too much love in me,
and in mercy, accept when we give,
because it may mean our own survival, and when
you find yourself in our place with this debt,

 I can tell you there is no freedom from it,
only momentary comforts when you may love another,
and it does not end, ever this Grace, your Grace,
and Thank you for this unearned Love you've given to me.
and Thank you, that you understand the sweet insanity of it,
That I need never make sense in Love,
and showing me it is the utmost of logic to let go
in not understanding what was too simple for me,
now become perfect sense,
wordless acts of Love best done
and Thank you for giving even one,
 like me the Grace
to give it away.

tina jones

Monday, July 23, 2012

Low Carb Grilled Cheese and Two Surprises!!!

I'm weak! He gives me puppy dog eyes. I give him Low Carb Love! hehe. A Grilled Cheese Sandwich at 2.4 Carbs, and you know what goes with that! 1Carb tomato soup?! PLUS! Did someone say Cheeseburger Bun? I thought someone mentioned a good bun...maybe it was just me. Grins!
  No limits allowed here! When you see how easy it is to have the sandwiches we used to love, you're home free! Think Cheese Steak, Ham and Cheese is great this way too, Turkey and Sauteed Mushrooms? From Sloppy Joe's to Chicken Cordon Bleu, from me to you, do be true, and do that thing you do, Low Carb! hehehe!
  Have fun with these!
  As always, to see full screen, and be sure and subscribe to my Youtube Channel.
tina jones

Here's my Update Video for July 23, 2012 too!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

How to Look Like Johnny Depp: Makeup Tutorial

Feeling the need for a Halloween idea?
How about a walk on the wild side? grins.
Here's my video: How to Look Like Johnny Depp: Makeup Tutorial
If you're in for a bit of piracy, add a bandana, a large earring and couple of, "Arrrrhgs!"
  To see this video full screen and to see my makeup list, go to my Youtube link here.
  Do subscribe to keep updated!
 Wishing you much inspiration!
tina jones

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Low Carb: My Eight Tips for Getting Started

The first thing I do whenever I've gotten off track and gained some weight is plan a celebration!
 That's right. In the middle of feeling I've let myself down, feeling bloated from too many carbohydrates, feeling foggy, indigestion and everything that goes with eating high carb, I plan a celebration.
  I celebrate the beginning of a new lifestyle, right then and there! For me, regardless of how I may have eaten yesterday, this morning or this afternoon, that means beginning with a Low Carb Lifestyle, high fat, moderate protein, the stuff that gets me back on track and makes me feel good meal.
  In my case, I get a steak. This is no longer about depriving myself. This about treating me good and giving my body what it needs to heal again. I don't go for the 6oz. petite portion. No, I'm a full grown woman with a body that needs fats and proteins. I'm a "Twelve ounce Rib eye, well done please!" girl, myself, but yours may be Pork Chops, Roast, a hunk of Buttered Salmon. If you don't eat any meats, go for your favorite Tofu dish, but leave out any noodles, potatoes, and bread, and double up that protein. Add Almonds slivers and Avocado, drizzle with Olive oil, have fun! This is important. I have to treat myself like someone who deserves to be treated well, not later, not after I lose the weight, but here and now.

 Shortly after I consume this, my mind begins to clear, the indigestion subsides, and energy begins to return. Nothing gets me through those first three days or so better.
  I've heard it called, "The Carb Flu," where, for me more sleep is needed, more fat and more protein. What's happening is that the body is switching from burning High Carbs for energy that we've eaten, over to stored body fat for energy. Nature takes the easiest, straightest path, and when high carbs are consumed the quickest, easiest way for the body to get needed energy is to use the High Carb food. In the absence of these High Carb foods, the body moves to the next easy, quick, straight source of energy; Our stored body fat. This fat is easier and quicker to use for energy than the fat we will be eating. Subsequently, weight loss begins. During this "Carb Flu" time of transitioning to our bodies using stored fat, here is a list of things I do to help my body do what it does so well...Heal Itself.

 1. Celebrate the Start! Tonight or this afternoon, right now begin by celebrating. That means a good, nutritious low carb meal. It doesn't matter if you ate a dozen glazed doughnuts for breakfast, or went to the burger and fries joint for lunch. Tonight is the celebration. For me, it begins with a rib eye. We are starting a new lifestyle, for many like me a new life! We celebrate new lifes, births are a joyous occasion! smiles. We don't wait and see if the child does what we imagine they should before celebrating. The arrival day is here! This is a big occasion. Do not wait for some goal to celebrate. Do it now. This is very important, and you are worth it!

  2.Donate High Carb Foods to a food pantry if possible, if not throw them away. Many like me got hung up on not wanting to "waste" food, so we told ourselves we'd eat all of this high carb stuff, then start our journey to health. Rethink: When I put high carbs that have been hurting me along with causing weight gain, I am Wasting my body, my children's mother, my loved one's friend. I have no right to treat someone they love like I deserve that. To love them, I have to love me, and let the high carbs go. If I can find a food pantry a neighbor to take them that's fine, but they are not good for me.

3. I get more rest: No longer treating naps as a decadence, they are a matter of being true to me, so no self guilt trips allowed here. This is important. The body heals best at rest. What's more, when I had deprived myself of rest, as I often did on high carb diets, I had to eat more high carbs just to keep going. That is over. We need never do that again. This is the time to be gentle.

 4 .I drink more water: This helps me stay clear minded and flushes out toxins. What is great is that the consumption of meats and fats automatically causes me to want to drink more water, so I don't even try and it happens!

 5 .I incorporate one mug of Bullion a day: The reason is that most of the high carb processed foods I used to eat had enormous amounts of sodium, and that is gone. Cooking now, and often forgetting to use salt, I can get too low on sodium, and the amount in a mug of bullion is sufficient for a day to keep me feeling better and balanced.

  6. Give Myself an Area for My Foods: We deserve, as human beings, a space in our own lives. I designate at least one cabinet for low carb foods: This is my "Go to" for meals. This cabinet contains things like Tuna, Beef Jerky, Pork Rinds, Almonds, Canned Green Vegetables, cans of mushrooms, Jars of Salsa and any Low Carb Shelf foods. I know I'm safe opening that cabinet! I also designate an area of my refrigerator (Initially I lived with someone when I did this, but now I live alone, so the whole thing is mine! hehe). This area of the fridge is for the foods I know I can safely eat in a Low Carb Lifestyle.

7 . Plan Fast Foods: Rarely do I have to feel famished any more, as proteins and low carb take that away pretty quickly in the beginning, but I keep fast eats at the ready just incase. These will be things like a bowl of many boiled eggs, so I can grab one when needed. Cheese slices or Block cheese cut into one ounce chunks are a quick, tasty satisfiers too. Try some different kinds. Ten olives are another quick decadence for me, and a medium Dill Pickle is a must in my day! All of these choices are at or under 1 Carb, by the way! (So are ten Almonds!) In induction, I am allowed 20 carbs a day, and one to love *more* of any food I love, I keep these "at or under 1 carb" choices at the ready. I also usually keep a cook roast, chicken or several burgers at the ready. ZERO carbs there!

8 . The Car and Purse: I always have low carb snacks there. For me it's in the form of ten Almonds or Walnuts, a few sticks of Beef Jerky (Some have one carb, so read your labels), and small bag of pork rinds. Others I love are pumpkin seeds, a few dried cranberries from a natural food store (so they have No added sugar) tossed into the nuts can help too. I also keep at least one of these items in my purse at all times. I'm never without a snack at the ready, and a bottle of water is an absolute staple for me.

A Note on Waiting to Eat:  As I mentioned, the urgency to eat NOW calmed down after the first few weeks for me, but there were times I panicked, and mostly it was when I'd been in my car and out for longer than I thought. Having these low carb snacks at hand helped a lot, but one question did too.
   Am I willing to wait for ten minutes? After that, I could eat anything..just ten minutes.  You see, I'd needed to eat something, even if it was a little meat, a little cheese or one of the one carb choices I'd planed once every two hours for about two weeks. Anything small would keep my metabolism going, and it kept me out of hunger leaving me satiated. I also had full decadent meals, but I planned my two hour foods too. When I'd been out too long without a snack, I'd begin to feel bad and hungry, even sad. The urgency to stop at that McDonald's sign was so, so, so overwhelming! I had to ask myself, "Can I wait ten minutes?" Ten minutes got me past that sign. It also often got me home to healthy Low Carb foods that I knew would make me feel good rather than turning to that old lethargic, bloated french fry state which only depressed me. If it couldn't get me home, I knew and sometimes only trusted that a Quick Market would be within that ten minute time period to get me a small package of Almonds and a bottle of water or even a sugar free soft drink. "Can I wait ten minutes?"

      I highly recommend anyone beginning starting before beginning with reading, "Dr. Atkins Diet Revolution," to see if you feel a Low Carb Lifestyle is for you. There are other Low Carb diets as well, like South beach.
     Support and encouragement can be hard to come by. We live in a world taught that fat makes you fat and causes all sorts of problems that were never proven, nonetheless the hype continued, even doctors got on the bandwagon recommending we go "fat-free," and believing it we all gained weight, and many like me got horribly sick from it. So, don't be discouraged when a well intentioned friend, relative or professional tries to scare you into eating low fat or fat free and high carbs. If support isn't available around you, you've got me, plus LOTS of others who have not only lost weight, but seen cholesterol counts go down and blood sugar levels improve so much that many,  no longer need medications for those problems. A great source of support is's Low Carb Forum! There, Laura's recipes and tips, along with a whole group of Low Carbers are right beside you! For a Facebook source of inspiration, I don't know of more encouraging group than "Low Carbing Among Friends!" 

    All of this to say we are NEVER alone, we need never feel shaky and deprived, and TODAY, I hope you celebrate the beautiful you that you are, the healthier you that you're becomming moment by moment, and meal by meal and gentle action by gentle action.
  Take care, With love,
tina jones