Marriage and Sex: Some of My Mistakes and Growth

Asperger's has put a slant on my relationships that aren't always apparent upfront. 

  While I could probably compose volumes based on the fortune of having made a treasure trove of mistakes and hopefully learned from them, I can only touch the proverbial, "Tip of the Iceberg" here. 

   So many of us struggle, and like anyone, many of us want relationships. Getting in them has never been a problem for me. Women usually do something crafty like not running, and someone finds you. It's terribly uncomplicated. I toss in a little mixing it up by flatly denying several, before deciding on one. Other times, I set about hunting rather than waiting to be netted. Whatever works, and one time one way has been best. Another time another has, so the concept of "When you're not looking," can be good or bad depending on if you want a relationship or if you're looking for some time alone. As for partners, I do have some qualifications, but that's not the point here. I want to stay general with this. The best I know to do is tell you some of my mistakes in hopes that they might be useful in avoiding some for yourself and your significant other. At least if you go through them, you might know you're not alone.

    I, probably  like many females with Asperger's, can at first appear to be someone's dream or an answer to a prayer. Nt males write songs about wanting "Honesty" (Billy Joel), and I can't remember one that didn't crush on a bratty at times people-pleaser (I dream of Jeannie). They also say they want a woman to take the lead sometimes (Margaret Thatcher?) and a strong one that can be independent, and a woman who will say exactly what she wants...Sound like you? Me too. All of those things describe me, but I am no "Jackpot." Every last one of these benign attributes taken to extreme (Is there another way?) can wear him out.....and leave us empty and resentful.  

    My Mistakes:

     Honesty for me has also meant a lack of flirting that they loved, needed, and I didn't know. Further, if discussed  I'd say it was indirect (dishonest) and silly, in effect calling them, "Silly." Not a turn on, Ladies.
     Nearly always taking the lead made me the pursuer, and they never had to/got to try.  (I was crossing sexual borders..becoming more masculine, and it left him emotionally impotent and hurt, and I didn't know.)
     People pleasing has at times meant self-sacrificing to the point of being untrue to myself/not taking care of myself. Read: I hurt me, and there is no more effective way to hurt a man than to hurt the woman he loves.
      Being perpetually independent has at times been read as, "I don't need you." I can't think of a more hurtful message to send to a person, and though I didn't know, I sure did it.
      I also tried to, "fix" them. I'm good at putting things together, but the "helping him or fixing his problem" I was trying to do out of love was received as, "You are not enough." No one ever wants to hear that. Who does not want to be loved and accepted exactly as they are?
        I was, without intent or knowing, heartbreakingly emasculating to the person I loved and wanted. 

      At the end, it did surface that he had a few large problems, but he's not here to discuss them. I can only speak of me. He did say, "I have been an excellent provider, but I wasn't much of a husband." That's true in some ways, but I was short on what makes a good wife too.

    It wasn't until the final years that I learned that being a  "Provider" and being at work was the only place I'd left for him to feel like a man, beside me or at times even above a bit. Why not? I did. At home I took care of everything. I did the repairs or arranged them, I fixed anything that I thought was broken. I "ran the show." I even helped him create presentations, and talked to his family and sometimes a friend on his behalf when he asked and when he didn't. (Ouch! I stepped on my own toes.) 
     Honest to the enth degree, yet show me the script, and I could bring down the curtain. I could reverse it all on a dime and pull off a submissive act that Shakespear would have cried trying to write. In every possible way I knew, several that a few girlfriends knew, any that the Kama Sutra had to offer, and a barrage of things Kinsey knew, I was actively, even when passively, pursuing the man. 

    In retrospect, I probably scared him to death at least for his wife's sanity. What I thought was loving and caring was stepping more and more into control, and I had not a clue. To my credit, I did tell him it would never be boring. I did hold up to that. Shaking my head, moving on...

            Staying at work was the only way I'd left him to keep his dignity. 


  Talking Sexy: new beginnings

      Like most of us, I knew what to say, and had gotten past any idea that he should know what to do and where sexually, but I had no idea that for him, sex started with how I treated him all day long just like it does with women.
     In the last few years, me then in my early forties, I learned to say some of the sexiest things a man can hear:
           "Thank you."
            "I'm so proud of you," 
            "I like the way you...," 
            "That was a great idea you had!"
              and every once in a while, "How did I get so lucky?" 

       What was so amazing was the more I complimented, the more I noticed, and the more I took time to see how hard he was trying, the more I saw him as a capable, strong, attractive and amazing human being. That's not all. The more I did these things, the more I liked me.

    ..Again, he had his own problems, and me working on mine didn't fix them, but it helped me to stop harming him, gave him a little dignity back, and made me a more whole, more loving person, and it made me someone with more compassion, because I was able to tell him I needed to to hear those things too, so I understood, I just thought he should know I was proud of him, that his accomplishments were obvious...just like sometimes men say women should know they are loved when he's gone all day. No on both accounts.

   I, who had no social qualms about saying anything and rarely got embarrassed, did not know that he needed to hear,
         "You are my hero."

    So many are saying, "If you want a Queen, treat her like one." It goes both ways, and I'm not talking about sandwiches or sexual acrobatics. I'm talking about the really hard stuff: Unconditional Love and Acceptance. If you want it, the best most effective way to start is to give it. (That goes both ways to, but the good news is, it doesn't matter who starts it, as long as someone does.)
    I had to let some things go undone, let him do more and more for me, and even (gasp!) let him do it his way even if it seemed "wrong" to me. Sometimes they come up with better ideas too. It's o.k. if things aren't "perfect," and it's o.k. to not always have it all sorted or have any answers. It's o.k. to even see him screw up everything and forgive, because it's even easier to forgive myself when I do it too.
  
    Relationships won't all work, but I think they're worth it, and in the moment, maybe we can not only give, but grow enough to be humble enough to learn to receive too. 
    
    I'm there too, and I'll make more mistakes. I'm sure of it, maybe they'll be even better ones. smiles. For now, I'm resting, reflecting, and taking a little time to grow, staying strong, but being perhaps a little more vulnerable, and letting someone else have the spotlight now and then. I'm only 47 though, so I'm still new at this. smiles.

 Never stop dreaming.
  with love, 
tina jones

P.S. If you have a little time, do check out my Youtube Channel: HERE

My Study of Relationship Compatability

(Written well over two years ago. As I study others, so do I learn about myself.)
Ten Questions:

Me and my Sweetheart

    It has been brought to my attention that I share little of my real self online. Disquieting as I thought the remark, I found it upon self searching to be infallibly true. I’m a natural people watcher, but myself out of balance in that I have not been as open as most of you try to be with me. That is the basis for the ten questions I posted. These are the most important factors of compatability to ME in relationships of all kinds. I enjoy the numbers on various compatibility scales, but felt they were missing components that were key to me personally.

 I’m only an authority on me.

 I’m reposting the questions here along with the percentages providing not only my own answers but why they are important to me. There was no right or wrong answer. This was all about my own priorities and how they relate to the priorities of other people. It’s also about narrowing the spectrum of compatibility in friendships and relationships of all kinds. The names of participants will have been deleted by the time I post this in my blog. My main focus was not the individuals who posted, rather it was finding what percent of the population shared the idea of an ideal friend or mate with me.  In some cases it was large, and in many it was small. It turns out, I’m a fairly hard match, but I already knew that.

   While compatibility scales are fun and informative, I’ve found that without these factors, I can have a very high percentage of compatibility (according to some questions) and not be able to connect even on the basis of friendship, while at other times I’ve connected with people who showed a very low compatibility percentage to me. Indeed one of my best friends online is only 80% compatible. Still others I’m able to connect with beautifully, but only on some aspects, leaving other important aspects of myself with the need to communicate with others to share. It would be nice to share one’s “all” with one individual, but I don’t think we are designed to rely totally on one friendship, rather we are designed to be involved in a community with one person being foremost in our interactions…a soulmate? I don’t know, but I like to imagine. No one by the way checked 100% of the answers that I did. That may or may not matter.

   I think the key is willingness of two people to set some differences aside while maintaining, respecting and encouraging the integrity of the individual. Keep in mind that whether we appear to match or not, the proof is in the actual interaction. Numbers are not going to do it. Differences, I might add can be very enjoyable.

    For each of us determining what is most important and matching those things to another is something worth consideration. Similar activities, for instance is not at the top of my list, but if it’s on yours, be true to it. We could have over 90% in common, but if your looking for someone who is into the great outdoors, loves motorcycle riding and fishing, chances are you’re not looking for someone like me. On the other hand, if you’re into quiet evenings, art museums and discussions of hope for humanity, I’m your friend right off.  It all depends on what a person is looking for, and this is only to cover activities.

  (A good sign that we might be compatible is if you’ve read the above by the way. Smiles. If patience is not your forte, I’m going to get on your nerves.)

The questions and their results

1.

tina Which is more important?

Similar Goals	4%
Similar Beliefs	25%
Similar Sexual Preferences	8%
Similar Outlook	33%
Similar Political Views	0%
Similar Interests/Hobbies	17%
Similar Intelligence	13%

Most important to me is “Similar Outlook. “ I have this in common with 33% of the people that answered. I need people in my life who view others and the world as I do. For me that is in the eyes of beauty and with compassion. If what you see is primarly unattractive out there, then we probably won’t be able to get far in our communications. I’m one to point out the colors of a sunset and the lovely wrinkles I see on an elderly person’s long smiling face. If you can see or are willing to see these, we’d get along fine. It was curious to me that with all the talk of politics, not a soul answered “Similar Political Views.” I have to wonder if they apply to love.  I’m unsure how much, but it appears many don’t give it much weight in relationships. I wouldn’t either.

2.

tina The World Is Becomming......

Better	24%
Worse	76%

My view is that the world is becoming “Better.” This relates to the first question. I consciously seek out positive acts of people and do my best to contribute to those. I’m a firm believer that we perceive or find precisely what we focus on, and my focus is on the positive. Here, I share this with only 24% of those who answered.

.

3.

tina You see a couple kissing and think...

Free show!	0%
Get a room!	4%
When will I be loved?	4%
He's going to get laid.	0%
I wish it were me instead of him.	8%
It's nice to see people in love.	84%
What does she want?	0%

I see a couple kissing and think…..”It’s nice to see people in love.” Truthfully each of these answers has gone through my mind at one time or another, but when I am as usual in a mood to see beauty, I am pleased to see others caring for eachother be it kissing or a simple smile. Personally, I’m not one to show much affection publicly beyond holding hands or a kiss on the cheek. I’m always in mind of respect, but am open to the nature of the person I’m with as well.  I have this in common with a great, 84%!

4.

tina Can another person ruin your day?

Yes. It happens occasionally.	67%
No. It's not possible.	17%
Yes.It happens all of the time.	11%
No, I don't let myself get close enough for that.	6%

Can another person ruin your day? “No. It’s not possible” That’s for me though. Ten minutes of a rough time in any given day does not merit me handing my whole day over to whatever got to me. My time is too precious, and I refuse to let anything have that much control over my emotional state. I can’t afford the loss of a day over a bad carburetor or an unfriendly word. Other people are where they are, and I may have nothing to do with how they acted. I’m not in their shoes. I leave the moods of others to them rather than blaming them or myself.  This way, if I am needed, I can be supportive. If I’ve decided to allow them to ruin my day, then I’m useless to them. I share this with only 17%.

5.

tina I use my car horn....

About once a week.	6%
About once a month.	3%
To let other drivers know when they've messed up	24%
Only in emergencies.	21%
To say "Hi."	15%
Daily	6%
What horn?	24%

I use my car horn “What Horn?” for me. I share this with 24%. Here I was looking at what percentage of people feel it a responsibility to correct others. Chances are, they’d also feel responsible to correct me, and right or wrong, I don’t take well to that. I’m open  to the opinions of others, and I need people who are open to mine as well. I was also looking for possibilities of road rage, as I don’t get in vehicles with those who do that. If your mad at driver number 3, talking bad about them, and I’m the one in the seat beside you, I’m the one that has to hear it. I enjoy peace too much for that. To me a drive is to have a good time, not to critique others. I don’t like loud noises either, but “only in emergencies” and “to say hi” would probably be compatible with me as well. (I realize that professional drivers need use horns more, but work  is a separate-from-me issue) Realistically speaking, I’ve probably used my car horn three times in the 29 years that I’ve been driving to warn a deer or dog out of the way.

6.

tina I'll be happy when...

When I find the love of my life.	37%
When my children graduate/move out/start school.	0%
I am happy.	48%
When the economy gets better.	4%
when I achieve my work/school goals.	4%
My medication makes me happy.	4%
I'm not happy, but I'm ok.	4%

I’ll be happy when…. “I am happy.” I share this with a heartening 48% of you! Smiles. Happy people attract happy people. I believe as many that another person or circumstance cannot “Make” me happy. It’s an inside job, and once happy I can share happiness with another.

7.

tina I want someone

play with/do things with	14%
make me happy	4%
whom I could make happy	4%
to share life's struggles with.	18%
who is as happy as I am.	18%
who understands me.	32%
who makes sense.	11%

Relating to the previous question, I want someone “Who is as happy as I am.” If I can add to your happiness and you can add to mine, then we are likely compatible. I can’t save anyone from sorrow or loneliness. Those things, though sad and most worth my compassion, are not something I’m capable of healing. I can only share what I have inside of me, and if that were sorrow or a sense of impending doom that’s not something I think you’d want. I work at my own happiness by focusing on things to be grateful for, and looking for ways to be helpful to others. It’s difficult not to see beauty when I do these things. I share this with only 18% of you.

8.

tina The woman you're with ends your relationship. She asked that you do/or not do a thing, yet you've continued it. You think:

What a drama queen	0%
She must have had someone else.	14%
I will never understand women.	14%
She never loved me.	14%
Good riddance!	14%
I wish I'd have taken her request to heart.	43%
I probably wasn't good enough for her.	0%

The woman you're with ends your relationship. She asked that you do/or not do a thing, yet you've continued it. You think: “I wish I’d have taken her (his in my case) request to heart.” I know myself and the mistakes I’ve made. There have been times when I didn’t listen as well as I wish I had, and wished I’d have paid more attention. I’m always one to look at myself for possible errors before looking at others. “Blame” is not a useful word in my vocabulary. I can’t change others, I can only change my own actions.  I share this with 43% of you.

9.

tina She's a giver/always doing something for someone and has put you off or stood you up repeatedly. You've asked her not to, but she continues

You think: I'm just being too dramatic/sensitive	17%
I have someone else anyway.	0%
She will never understand me.	17%
I never loved her anyway	0%
She's better off without me.	22%
I wish she'd take my request to heart.	39%
She wasn't good enough for me.	4%

This question was a repeat of question #8 only reversed. My answer remains the same. It’s about listening both ways to me, so it was, “I wish she’d (he’d in my case) taken my request to heart.” I did find it curious that a few indicated they’d think she’d have someone else, yet no one checked that they’d have someone else.  I believe we see the world through our own eyes, meaning I can only project onto you what is inside of me. I.e.….if I’m very jealous, I am at least in my mind looking at other possibilities if not pursuing them.  (I’m not a jealous person by the way,  and all of my answers only pertain to me…an opinion) This time I matched 39%.

10.

tina To you, most people are

Blind	6%
scared	3%
good hearted	42%
bad hearted	3%
selfish	16%
closed minded	19%
lonely	10%

To you, most people are “Good Hearted.” Again, I project what is in me out onto what I see in others. If I were someone who thought most people were “closed minded,” chances are I’d be working awfully hard at trying to get them to see things “my way,” or what I perceive is the “right way.” I don’t tolerate attempts of others who’d try to change, fix, save or adjust me and would not want to change another. We all want to be accepted for who we are. I’m also not one to get lonely or bored. I’m self entertaining, and would need a friend or mate to be able to amuse themselves too, so while I’m not into sports, you might be perfect for me if you are, because your football/golf  time may be just what I need to paint and do my writing and research. I won’t be attending games as I don’t care for crowds though, and do use headphones if you like your tv games loud. (Aren’t I just awful? Grins!)

That’s the end of the questions. Thankyou again to all who participated.

Chemistry: Always in mind for me is that despite percentages something happens when it’s just right that is beyond my  reasoning, and that’s hard on a person like me who loves logic. (humor). I do have a an ego, but I can set it aside.

  A few last perhaps important aspects of me are that I am a recent cancer survivor (yeah!) (what kind? Same stuff that Farrah Faucett had. Look it up.) and that I am (if you’ve not figured it out yet) a female version of “Rainman.” I have high functioning autism, his was low functioning. No, I don’t memorize long series of numbers that is another member of my family. I see three dimensional objects and people in two dimensional puzzle pieces. That’s why I can paint. I’m not trained. It’s just the way I am. I don't do well in bright sun or heat for long and am seriously considering belly dance lessons having practiced by video tutorial on my own for some time. It's exercise for someone isn't into sweating like me, and it's just fun. I am multifaceted, as are you.

 More than the blonde,  lady in the red dress who enjoys making others laugh (smiling here), I’m challenging, independent, opinionated, logic (not opinion) oriented and  a dreamer. Seeing me in a new light, I hope will offer others the self-permission to take more realistic views of precisely what they want, and the determination to be choosey about it. I more than realize that having stated my own thoughts will color me a non-option among some, but that will only point them to happier possibilities of better compatibility.

Wishing all of your dreams come true. Your desires and needs in relationships are part of who you are, sacred to me, and deserving of the best match for you.

tina

People are Funny! Ongoing Study of Neurotypicals (and their cars)

I love people! They are so funny!
I made a public appearance, meaning ofcourse I went to the store. It's my favorite place to study the species to which I, often in humor, belong. Ok, sort of, but only if I stretch it. hehe. People were very pleasant today, so all I'd have to report was that. Gratefully, the day was saved by a fellow driver.
 It's not new to me. I've been doing this for ages, and I've noted that no matter where I stop at a stop light, a driver in the next lane will pull an average distance of 2-6 feet infront of me, even it means going far over the line. Even if it means a Semi might be comming directly at them, and even it means a police car is nearby. I don't think they can help it, so I try not to get too close to the line to give them room to get ahead without endangering themselves. I think it has something to do with a curious competitive streak, I've heard about. I'll have to study that more.
   I had the advantage of being on the far left of two left turn lanes, and in the only one that continued. In other words, his lane merged into mine just after the turn. Seeing he wanted to go first, I looked over trying to get his attention to let him know it was ok. I didn't know that something might not be very pressing to him afterall, but he wouldn't look or didn't see me. With the hand that went up over his face from my side, I'm guessing he was hiding. Fun stuff!
  Ofcourse, I'd let him go first anyway, but he ran the red turn light just as adjacent lights turned yellow so he could get ahead. That might not have been necessary, had he not hidden, but it was his call.
   I sure hope he made it to the bathroom, his late appointment for a labotomy or whatever he had going on. I realize I gave up the right of way, but it's never worth fighting over, and it's far more entertaining to enjoy the show.
  What's curious to me, is from my experience, had we both approached a door, he'd have held it open for me. I always wonder which is real, but I'm sticking with the driver side of people being more authentic. It's certainly more entertaining.
tina

How To Say, "No."

   No, is one of the most difficult words in the English language, and likely in other languages. It hides in "maybe," "I don't know," and even "yes" sometimes. We regret having said, "OK" and end up resenting the people we said, "Maybe" to, all in an act to avoid the uttering of the word, "No."
  It's not an evil word. It's not a bad word, it is a nice word, and the people who care aren't going to drop off of the face of the planet if we say, "No." Those who do disappear, are simply making room for a better friendship in your life. When we hang on to people who would use us, we steal a happier self from those who really do care.
  Come on. Try it with me, "No."......"No, no, no, no, no." See? Nobody died. Whisper it in private, or practice in the mirror if you need to, just to see how it feels. You will be able to say it to another human being despite the lump in your throat, the sweating and even the shaking.
  We hear the word, "No, so much as toddlers, that it's one of the first words we learn, and then get scolded for saying it. It doesn't feel good. It feels wrong, and forbid.....it feels mean. Nothing,  however is more cruel to a friend or loved one, than our saying, "Yes" to something we don't want to do, then resenting them for not reading our minds. The resentment can last for ages, and destroy tender relationships, when all that was needed on the spot was a "No." Painful, mean or frightening as it sounds in the moment, "No," is one of the most merciful and loving (Did you hear that? "LOVING") words that can be said.
   No reason is needed for the word, "No." If you provide a reason that you can't do or won't do what's being asked, the person requesting will find a way to fix that reason for you. Not wanting to do a thing is reason enough. "No." is enough to say. There are multitudes of ways to say, "No." The easiest and simplest is a kind and firm, "No." I've gathered a few, "No's" that have worked for me. Use them, and use them often enough to ward off resentment.

1- "No."
2- "Hell, No!"
3- "Yes, but NOT with you."

   So many trusts are broken by unspoken, "No's." Often, we blame others, when the responsibility laid  in our own laps. We were dishonest, when we said, "Yes" to things that went against our truest selves. We can become more real with the ones we love.
  Suppose you commit to saying, "No," once a week for practice, and you mess up once? You can go back to the person, and say, "I was wrong. I need to say, "No" to this." Make it ok with you to be wrong, to make mistakes, to step in something, and step right back out of it.
   The beauty of "No," is more than freedom from resentments. Once people get used to you saying it, they begin to trust that when you get to say, "Yes," you mean it completely. When we are more true to ourselves, we are more true and open to others. "No," is a very, very loving word.
 
   Peace be with you, and those you love.
tina jones


"Kiss Off"
(Self Portrait)
11x14"
Acrylic on Canvas