Despite being single, I've experienced ongoing relationship growth including the awareness that with or without a significant other, I've had the same problems. I've gone through the good and the bad all by myself.
the difference is I know that I get total credit and blame. I have responsibility and ownership for how I feel, and I've felt the same things.
I've felt 100% loved and accepted, even cherished.... alone. I've felt undesirable, like I was in the way, abandoned, unloved...all of the feelings that lead to breakups, except I was alone. I've felt sexy, powerful, intelligent, helpless, confident, and terrified both in and out of relationships. This lesson for me has come in layers.
A few unfortunately obsessed strangers triggered this latest realization. Apparently, they first saw me on my Youtube channel, and developed a fixation of sorts. They've written a lot, and a few have, but some are more tenacious. I try to take the Lady Gaga approach, in that I'm not angry about it. It's not about, "Me," but more of a, "Celebrity" thing, and if I could, I'd send them sandwiches. They've no idea if I've even seen their notes or not, and I haven't read them all. In truth, there isn't enough time in the day even if I wanted to do so. We've never had any exchange whatsoever. Still, they have had the whole range of relationship experiences through these emails. They've been, "In love," in hate, they've judged, blamed, bargained, tried to be understanding to, "Make it work," and they've seemed to get hold of themselves, and let go for periods of time, then fall right back into the obsession...with a person they don't even know other than a talking head on some videos.
For me, those videos are something I've done, something of acting, and something of myself for those moments in time but not, "Me" on the whole. At the very least, time has passed, and people change and grow. The writer has been stuck there like falling for a photograph in a magazine. This is why I don't take it personally.
I once imagined Peter Tork and I would fall in love and live happily ever after, and he too had no idea. The difference is, I didn't think he needed to know, and I didn't take it that seriously that I thought to stalk him. Still, I've written posts on celebrities pages, but not one after another or for years on end. The point being, the writer went through this range of experience without my input.
Now seeing that I've had those similar feelings within relationships, and outside of them. I have to wonder how much of my relationships was real. Just because I can touch you, that doesn't mean that I know you. When I blamed myself or him, maybe it was just life, and we were sort of one another's fans for a time. Now, within the relationships, I dropped the word, "Blame," long ago, and was just working on things that hurt as they came along, but eventually, I did need his help, and he couldn't be bothered. I didn't expect to never have problems, but if I was the only one working on them, or trying to hold it together, it didn't and wouldn't work. You cannot have a working relationship on your own.
I gave out from exhaustion one day, trying to hold something together that was draining me at best, when it worked at all, by then. He just wasn't willing, until we broke up, but I'd heard that song for so long, and I couldn't take one more injury to my heart at the time. I was just too broken by then. It seemed we both stood a better chance at survival and maybe even happiness alone, and I think it worked out o.k.
Last night, I had the same revelation when I watched the movie, "Her." She, the female lead, wasn't real either, in the conventional sense, any more than a recorded memory of someone on a youtube screen. It was all in his mind as he was only interacting with an Operating System. I thought to myself, "Isn't that what we're all doing, here on Facebook, Instagram or elsewhere online where we are having the, "Real" experiences with all of the faults, flaws, joys, tears, and laughter of friendships, while, I cannot put my arms around you?" I really thought about how much you all add to my life while I am, "Alone."
Of course you're not Operating Systems or Artificial Intelligence, even one that grows and learns and adapts according to the people you interact with, but humans do that too. I am malleable to you, and you are to me. We affect each other, while remaining ourselves in the healthiest of circumstances.
In the movie, the male lead character fell in love, and who, wanting, has not wished we were hundreds or thousands of miles from where we are? Who has not experienced the very real heartbreak of rejection when our love interest found someone, "With a body," nearby...someone to hold? Who hasn't looked at other places and cultures and thought they'd fit, perhaps better there? Who hasn't moped over goodbyes, or felt fear when the beloved didn't sign in online, the same as if a spouse didn't make it home?
Is it all the same; one colossal gorgeous mind-fuck? The activities are different, but the feelings are the same. It doesn't seem to matter which way you choose. This all comes down to the most profound question my spiritual mentor asked me long ago.
What do you want?
Perhaps we are that basic or amazing that the answers are all in our instincts. Our desires or chemistry, if you will, might be the deciding factor in where and how we experience our particular glorious mess of a life.
I have no answers.
tinajonesart
tinajonesart blog. Here, you'll find the thoughts of an artist, possibly some artwork, and most definately me.
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Monday, August 26, 2019
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Unapologetically Ourselves
Years ago, I attended an open drawing studio.
I brought my sketch pad, some pencils and a kneaded eraser. I am oddly, approachable, or moreso than I'm usually comfortable with. I was more concerned this time about the comfort of the middleaged woman sitting in a white robe waiting for time to start drawing. I'm not good at chit-chat, but I seem to be able to leave my insecurity aside when I believe someone needs me to be more. I asked how long she'd modelled, and she happily engaged answering that and where she'd worked and soon it was announced drawing would begin with some short sketches.
The room was about 12x12 foot holding maybe ten people around a 4x6 foot platform, so there isn't much room to move to get a better perspective. I learned to work with whatever I had, and drew the backs of chairs or the bottoms of feet more than once.
The model did a very unexpected thing. Upon hearing we'd start, she turned toward me smiled, dropped her robe and lifted her joyous face and arms into the air. I scored a few mediocre sketches that night, but far beyond nudity, I won the right to shine, because she believed it was o.k. for her to do the same.
Don't be less than you. You cannot make yourself small enough that no one will ever envy you or try to cut you down to make themselves feel better in the absence of taking any action to believe in themselves. That job is theirs, and you can't save them their work. Yours job is to live.
Don't be less of you.
Don't be less beautiful, intelligent, sexy or hard-earned strong.
Don't be less funny, less caring or less loving.
Don't be less playful, helpful, silly or ingenuitive.
Don't be less talkative or less contemplative or less of a listener.
Don't hold back when you dance, heal others, soap-box or make love.
Don't downplay you in order to fit in or please anyone.
Don't restrict your paintings, your unborn novels, your discoveries, and the time you spend gazing at the surface of water or blowing bubbles.
Don't downplay the work you've done, or how much blood you've spilled for something that looks like mere talent now.
Don't be less of you, neither cover nor dim your shine. Someone needs your light, and it may be that someone is ...you.
It's o.k. to try being true to yourself, and fall flat on your face.
It's o.k. to be scared.
It's o.k. to feel like you're not enough and to take up space on the planet anyway.
It's o.k. to glow, then hide, and it's o.k. burst with light.
Live your fullness, your ideas, your dreams. Be as glorious as you are, because there's also someone watching who may be even more afraid. Someone watches who may not know their own worth. Step into your sacred opportunity to be as amazing as you are for you, but also do it because someone needs to see you being happy in order to believe it's o.k. for them to be happy too.
tinajonesart
I brought my sketch pad, some pencils and a kneaded eraser. I am oddly, approachable, or moreso than I'm usually comfortable with. I was more concerned this time about the comfort of the middleaged woman sitting in a white robe waiting for time to start drawing. I'm not good at chit-chat, but I seem to be able to leave my insecurity aside when I believe someone needs me to be more. I asked how long she'd modelled, and she happily engaged answering that and where she'd worked and soon it was announced drawing would begin with some short sketches.
The room was about 12x12 foot holding maybe ten people around a 4x6 foot platform, so there isn't much room to move to get a better perspective. I learned to work with whatever I had, and drew the backs of chairs or the bottoms of feet more than once.
The model did a very unexpected thing. Upon hearing we'd start, she turned toward me smiled, dropped her robe and lifted her joyous face and arms into the air. I scored a few mediocre sketches that night, but far beyond nudity, I won the right to shine, because she believed it was o.k. for her to do the same.
Don't be less than you. You cannot make yourself small enough that no one will ever envy you or try to cut you down to make themselves feel better in the absence of taking any action to believe in themselves. That job is theirs, and you can't save them their work. Yours job is to live.
Don't be less of you.
Don't be less beautiful, intelligent, sexy or hard-earned strong.
Don't be less funny, less caring or less loving.
Don't be less playful, helpful, silly or ingenuitive.
Don't be less talkative or less contemplative or less of a listener.
Don't hold back when you dance, heal others, soap-box or make love.
Don't downplay you in order to fit in or please anyone.
Don't restrict your paintings, your unborn novels, your discoveries, and the time you spend gazing at the surface of water or blowing bubbles.
Don't downplay the work you've done, or how much blood you've spilled for something that looks like mere talent now.
Don't be less of you, neither cover nor dim your shine. Someone needs your light, and it may be that someone is ...you.
It's o.k. to try being true to yourself, and fall flat on your face.
It's o.k. to be scared.
It's o.k. to feel like you're not enough and to take up space on the planet anyway.
It's o.k. to glow, then hide, and it's o.k. burst with light.
Live your fullness, your ideas, your dreams. Be as glorious as you are, because there's also someone watching who may be even more afraid. Someone watches who may not know their own worth. Step into your sacred opportunity to be as amazing as you are for you, but also do it because someone needs to see you being happy in order to believe it's o.k. for them to be happy too.
tinajonesart
Friday, May 26, 2017
The Perils of Knowing Stuff
How I have read, pondered!
I've even meditated and researched! I have layers of useless information that could make a stone move itself downstream to escape.
The years I have dedicated to deep thinking and wondering where my socks were! A person might think my sacrifice would be right up there with Joan of Arc. I imagined myself deserving of a paragraph in the annals of Philosophy. Sweating caffeine bullets into the night to find things which I believed you needed to be, "Informed" about. Surely, I thought, my name would be emblazoned with the likes of Plato and Socrates and -and...some other guy. ;)
I've been afflicted with information that I needed to bestow upon the masses more than once, and suffer, I did. So did they. They were not interested in my intellectual generosity much less my bestowing. One learns to develop a peculiar penchant for dodging boulders, or stop that and start learning stuff.I'm still starting, by the way. :)
If you ever find me thinking I know something, run. While unconfirmed, I'm concerned it might be contagious. Unfortunately, in my case, it appears to be chronic.
I'd rather not know a thing or another thing. Knowing means I'm finished learning. Now, I'm certainly inclined to think things, risky as that may be. I suspect a lot of things, but I know nothing. I'm almost sure of it.
Sometimes I come across people who know things. A moment of silence, please for those suffering......
Those poor, tortured souls! Imagine being finished discovering, yet still breathing. Cerebral zombies of enlightenment, and they may well know. Just in case, I walk a wide circle around them, so I don't catch it.It turns out that people warm up more to being my teachers than my proteges. That helps, because I don't know anything. Everyone teaches me something, and the best way I've heard for me to get someone to listen is to...listen.
It's also effective when I want to learn...so far.Curiously, I've found the longer I listen, the more likely it is that I'll hear what I was so bent on sharing put more eloquently than I had planned it, myself.
Annoying, really. ;) In that case, I learn an instance of humility, or that a blow to the ego is not likely to kill me ... yet.
Still learning, and thanks for listening.
tinajonesart
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Hero
If you get out of bed one more day,
if you fail and discover one more way not to do it,
if your palms sweat and your heart races every time, yet you begin again,
if you fall apart on a regular basis and tremulously crawl to wash your face,
if you've been defeated a hundred times and given up just as many,
if you have despaired of ever knowing peace,
if you've found the flow or the right direction only in accidental moments,
if in your pain you've found solace somehow in helping another, and in the midst of watching the world you knew disintegrate, saw a bit of heaven in the eyes of those less fortunate,
if somehow all was right with the world even when all evidence said you were wrong, it was wrong, they were wrong,
if unreasonable hope ever bade you, "Breathe, and try again,"
if while not believing in yourself, you believed in another, and
if while helping right in the middle of your own helplessness you've found that you took even a single aim toward a single step without realizing,
You are a hero to me.
tina jones
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
My Study of Relationship Compatability
(Written well over two years ago. As I study others, so do I learn about myself.)
Ten Questions:
Ten Questions:
 |
| Me and my Sweetheart |
It has been brought to my attention that I share little of my real self online. Disquieting as I thought the remark, I found it upon self searching to be infallibly true. I’m a natural people watcher, but myself out of balance in that I have not been as open as most of you try to be with me. That is the basis for the ten questions I posted. These are the most important factors of compatability to ME in relationships of all kinds. I enjoy the numbers on various compatibility scales, but felt they were missing components that were key to me personally.
I’m only an authority on me.
I’m reposting the questions here along with the percentages providing not only my own answers but why they are important to me. There was no right or wrong answer. This was all about my own priorities and how they relate to the priorities of other people. It’s also about narrowing the spectrum of compatibility in friendships and relationships of all kinds. The names of participants will have been deleted by the time I post this in my blog. My main focus was not the individuals who posted, rather it was finding what percent of the population shared the idea of an ideal friend or mate with me. In some cases it was large, and in many it was small. It turns out, I’m a fairly hard match, but I already knew that.
While compatibility scales are fun and informative, I’ve found that without these factors, I can have a very high percentage of compatibility (according to some questions) and not be able to connect even on the basis of friendship, while at other times I’ve connected with people who showed a very low compatibility percentage to me. Indeed one of my best friends online is only 80% compatible. Still others I’m able to connect with beautifully, but only on some aspects, leaving other important aspects of myself with the need to communicate with others to share. It would be nice to share one’s “all” with one individual, but I don’t think we are designed to rely totally on one friendship, rather we are designed to be involved in a community with one person being foremost in our interactions…a soulmate? I don’t know, but I like to imagine. No one by the way checked 100% of the answers that I did. That may or may not matter.
I think the key is willingness of two people to set some differences aside while maintaining, respecting and encouraging the integrity of the individual. Keep in mind that whether we appear to match or not, the proof is in the actual interaction. Numbers are not going to do it. Differences, I might add can be very enjoyable.
For each of us determining what is most important and matching those things to another is something worth consideration. Similar activities, for instance is not at the top of my list, but if it’s on yours, be true to it. We could have over 90% in common, but if your looking for someone who is into the great outdoors, loves motorcycle riding and fishing, chances are you’re not looking for someone like me. On the other hand, if you’re into quiet evenings, art museums and discussions of hope for humanity, I’m your friend right off. It all depends on what a person is looking for, and this is only to cover activities.
(A good sign that we might be compatible is if you’ve read the above by the way. Smiles. If patience is not your forte, I’m going to get on your nerves.)
The questions and their results
tina Which is more important?
Similar Goals
|
4%
|
Similar Beliefs
|
25%
|
Similar Sexual Preferences
|
8%
|
Similar Outlook
|
33%
|
Similar Political Views
|
0%
|
Similar Interests/Hobbies
|
17%
|
Similar Intelligence
|
13%
|
Most important to me is “Similar Outlook. “ I have this in common with 33% of the people that answered. I need people in my life who view others and the world as I do. For me that is in the eyes of beauty and with compassion. If what you see is primarly unattractive out there, then we probably won’t be able to get far in our communications. I’m one to point out the colors of a sunset and the lovely wrinkles I see on an elderly person’s long smiling face. If you can see or are willing to see these, we’d get along fine. It was curious to me that with all the talk of politics, not a soul answered “Similar Political Views.” I have to wonder if they apply to love. I’m unsure how much, but it appears many don’t give it much weight in relationships. I wouldn’t either.
tina The World Is Becomming......
Better
|
24%
|
Worse
|
76%
|
My view is that the world is becoming “Better.” This relates to the first question. I consciously seek out positive acts of people and do my best to contribute to those. I’m a firm believer that we perceive or find precisely what we focus on, and my focus is on the positive. Here, I share this with only 24% of those who answered.
.
tina You see a couple kissing and think...
Free show!
|
0%
|
Get a room!
|
4%
|
When will I be loved?
|
4%
|
He's going to get laid.
|
0%
|
I wish it were me instead of him.
|
8%
|
It's nice to see people in love.
|
84%
|
What does she want?
|
0%
|
I see a couple kissing and think…..”It’s nice to see people in love.” Truthfully each of these answers has gone through my mind at one time or another, but when I am as usual in a mood to see beauty, I am pleased to see others caring for eachother be it kissing or a simple smile. Personally, I’m not one to show much affection publicly beyond holding hands or a kiss on the cheek. I’m always in mind of respect, but am open to the nature of the person I’m with as well. I have this in common with a great, 84%!
tina Can another person ruin your day?
Yes. It happens occasionally.
|
67%
|
No. It's not possible.
|
17%
|
Yes.It happens all of the time.
|
11%
|
No, I don't let myself get close enough for that.
|
6%
|
Can another person ruin your day? “No. It’s not possible” That’s for me though. Ten minutes of a rough time in any given day does not merit me handing my whole day over to whatever got to me. My time is too precious, and I refuse to let anything have that much control over my emotional state. I can’t afford the loss of a day over a bad carburetor or an unfriendly word. Other people are where they are, and I may have nothing to do with how they acted. I’m not in their shoes. I leave the moods of others to them rather than blaming them or myself. This way, if I am needed, I can be supportive. If I’ve decided to allow them to ruin my day, then I’m useless to them. I share this with only 17%.
tina I use my car horn....
About once a week.
|
6%
|
About once a month.
|
3%
|
To let other drivers know when they've messed up
|
24%
|
Only in emergencies.
|
21%
|
To say "Hi."
|
15%
|
Daily
|
6%
|
What horn?
|
24%
|
I use my car horn “What Horn?” for me. I share this with 24%. Here I was looking at what percentage of people feel it a responsibility to correct others. Chances are, they’d also feel responsible to correct me, and right or wrong, I don’t take well to that. I’m open to the opinions of others, and I need people who are open to mine as well. I was also looking for possibilities of road rage, as I don’t get in vehicles with those who do that. If your mad at driver number 3, talking bad about them, and I’m the one in the seat beside you, I’m the one that has to hear it. I enjoy peace too much for that. To me a drive is to have a good time, not to critique others. I don’t like loud noises either, but “only in emergencies” and “to say hi” would probably be compatible with me as well. (I realize that professional drivers need use horns more, but work is a separate-from-me issue) Realistically speaking, I’ve probably used my car horn three times in the 29 years that I’ve been driving to warn a deer or dog out of the way.
tina I'll be happy when...
When I find the love of my life.
|
37%
|
When my children graduate/move out/start school.
|
0%
|
I am happy.
|
48%
|
When the economy gets better.
|
4%
|
when I achieve my work/school goals.
|
4%
|
My medication makes me happy.
|
4%
|
I'm not happy, but I'm ok.
|
4%
|
I’ll be happy when…. “I am happy.” I share this with a heartening 48% of you! Smiles. Happy people attract happy people. I believe as many that another person or circumstance cannot “Make” me happy. It’s an inside job, and once happy I can share happiness with another.
tina I want someone
play with/do things with
|
14%
|
make me happy
|
4%
|
whom I could make happy
|
4%
|
to share life's struggles with.
|
18%
|
who is as happy as I am.
|
18%
|
who understands me.
|
32%
|
who makes sense.
|
11%
|
Relating to the previous question, I want someone “Who is as happy as I am.” If I can add to your happiness and you can add to mine, then we are likely compatible. I can’t save anyone from sorrow or loneliness. Those things, though sad and most worth my compassion, are not something I’m capable of healing. I can only share what I have inside of me, and if that were sorrow or a sense of impending doom that’s not something I think you’d want. I work at my own happiness by focusing on things to be grateful for, and looking for ways to be helpful to others. It’s difficult not to see beauty when I do these things. I share this with only 18% of you.
tina The woman you're with ends your relationship. She asked that you do/or not do a thing, yet you've continued it. You think:
What a drama queen
|
0%
|
She must have had someone else.
|
14%
|
I will never understand women.
|
14%
|
She never loved me.
|
14%
|
Good riddance!
|
14%
|
I wish I'd have taken her request to heart.
|
43%
|
I probably wasn't good enough for her.
|
0%
|
The woman you're with ends your relationship. She asked that you do/or not do a thing, yet you've continued it. You think: “I wish I’d have taken her (his in my case) request to heart.” I know myself and the mistakes I’ve made. There have been times when I didn’t listen as well as I wish I had, and wished I’d have paid more attention. I’m always one to look at myself for possible errors before looking at others. “Blame” is not a useful word in my vocabulary. I can’t change others, I can only change my own actions. I share this with 43% of you.
tina She's a giver/always doing something for someone and has put you off or stood you up repeatedly. You've asked her not to, but she continues
You think: I'm just being too dramatic/sensitive
|
17%
|
I have someone else anyway.
|
0%
|
She will never understand me.
|
17%
|
I never loved her anyway
|
0%
|
She's better off without me.
|
22%
|
I wish she'd take my request to heart.
|
39%
|
She wasn't good enough for me.
|
4%
|
This question was a repeat of question #8 only reversed. My answer remains the same. It’s about listening both ways to me, so it was, “I wish she’d (he’d in my case) taken my request to heart.” I did find it curious that a few indicated they’d think she’d have someone else, yet no one checked that they’d have someone else. I believe we see the world through our own eyes, meaning I can only project onto you what is inside of me. I.e.….if I’m very jealous, I am at least in my mind looking at other possibilities if not pursuing them. (I’m not a jealous person by the way, and all of my answers only pertain to me…an opinion) This time I matched 39%.
tina To you, most people are
Blind
|
6%
|
scared
|
3%
|
good hearted
|
42%
|
bad hearted
|
3%
|
selfish
|
16%
|
closed minded
|
19%
|
lonely
|
10%
|
To you, most people are “Good Hearted.” Again, I project what is in me out onto what I see in others. If I were someone who thought most people were “closed minded,” chances are I’d be working awfully hard at trying to get them to see things “my way,” or what I perceive is the “right way.” I don’t tolerate attempts of others who’d try to change, fix, save or adjust me and would not want to change another. We all want to be accepted for who we are. I’m also not one to get lonely or bored. I’m self entertaining, and would need a friend or mate to be able to amuse themselves too, so while I’m not into sports, you might be perfect for me if you are, because your football/golf time may be just what I need to paint and do my writing and research. I won’t be attending games as I don’t care for crowds though, and do use headphones if you like your tv games loud. (Aren’t I just awful? Grins!)
That’s the end of the questions. Thankyou again to all who participated.
Chemistry: Always in mind for me is that despite percentages something happens when it’s just right that is beyond my reasoning, and that’s hard on a person like me who loves logic. (humor). I do have a an ego, but I can set it aside.
A few last perhaps important aspects of me are that I am a recent cancer survivor (yeah!) (what kind? Same stuff that Farrah Faucett had. Look it up.) and that I am (if you’ve not figured it out yet) a female version of “Rainman.” I have high functioning autism, his was low functioning. No, I don’t memorize long series of numbers that is another member of my family. I see three dimensional objects and people in two dimensional puzzle pieces. That’s why I can paint. I’m not trained. It’s just the way I am. I don't do well in bright sun or heat for long and am seriously considering belly dance lessons having practiced by video tutorial on my own for some time. It's exercise for someone isn't into sweating like me, and it's just fun. I am multifaceted, as are you.
More than the blonde, lady in the red dress who enjoys making others laugh (smiling here), I’m challenging, independent, opinionated, logic (not opinion) oriented and a dreamer. Seeing me in a new light, I hope will offer others the self-permission to take more realistic views of precisely what they want, and the determination to be choosey about it. I more than realize that having stated my own thoughts will color me a non-option among some, but that will only point them to happier possibilities of better compatibility.
Wishing all of your dreams come true. Your desires and needs in relationships are part of who you are, sacred to me, and deserving of the best match for you.
tina
Friday, August 12, 2011
L'Etoile De La Matin
Like all of us, I have layers. What is at first seen is me, and what is seen after time and upclose is me too. Glances at people reveal instant impressions, yet when savored.....looked at through eyes who have experienced the person, what is revealed can often be the beauty of time. Scars, wrinkles, marks of life show life lived, sometimes hard and sometimes peacefully.
I hope today I can see beyond first impressions, beyond the stories of life's lines, through the glisten of an eye and into the universe of the soul. Therein, lives beauty all else merely tries to reflect.
For today, I wish you a timeless moment, where you may catch your glance or get caught in the eternity of another's being, and see the most beautiful of things. You.
I hope today I can see beyond first impressions, beyond the stories of life's lines, through the glisten of an eye and into the universe of the soul. Therein, lives beauty all else merely tries to reflect.
For today, I wish you a timeless moment, where you may catch your glance or get caught in the eternity of another's being, and see the most beautiful of things. You.
"L'Etoile De La Matin"
(Morning Star)
Self Portait
18x24
Acrylic on canvas
For a step by step photo montage of this painting, please visit my youtube channel.
tina jones
p.s. Title given by an anonymous soul who has loved me beyond comprehension.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Never Judge Your Possibilities By Someone Else's Limitations.
I owe a great deal of my success in painting to someone who told me years ago,
"You cannot teach yourself to paint in oils!"
I was never clear if they meant it wasn't possible, or that it was not allowed.
Either way, I had work to do and didn't have time for such nonsense.
"You cannot teach yourself to paint in oils!"
I was never clear if they meant it wasn't possible, or that it was not allowed.
Either way, I had work to do and didn't have time for such nonsense.
"George The Entertainer"
18x24
Oil on Canvas
Never judge your possibilities by someone else's limitations.
tina jones
(self taught, be it impossible or illegal)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
One third of the people
One third of them are going to dislike you no matter what you do,
And one third of them aren't going to care one way or the other...no matter what you do.
It leads me to believe that it's best for us to be ourselves. Trying to please isn't going to change the statistics..."no matter what you do."
I've come to believe this to be true of art too. People like what they like. I think people are simply built for different likes, dislikes and apathy. I, for instance do not like sweet potatoes. No matter what you do to them, I'm not going to like them. It isn't personal, even if I were someone to whine at a sweet potatoe for not acting or tasting like I think it should, and even if I were to try to make the poor spud feel guilty about it. It's still going to be a sweet potatoe, and I still won't like it. I simply can't, because I'm in that one third (I'm not sure of the numbers in sweet potatoes) who is not going to like sweet potatoes.
Rice cakes. I don't really care one way or the other. They're ok, but I don't have it in me to love or dislike them. In my world they simply exist, because I'm in that (theoretical) one third that doesn't have any passionate feeling about rice cakes.
Strawberries, I love! I love them fresh, frozen even canned. I love them in pies, jam, dipped in cream, or plucked from the patch! I don't think I've met the strawberry I wasn't smitten with, and there is not a thing strawberries can do about that. I'm in the (imaginary) one third that loves strawberries with every fiber of my being. It's just the way I am, and has no bearing on strawberries whatsoever.
All of this to say, it doesn't pay much to worry about who doesn't like you or doesn't notice. Chances are it's nothing to do with you and more about that person's hardwiring. I think time is best spent with those who like, love and care about us.
I spent too much of my time thinking about those who didn't like me as a kid, and I neglected those who tried in every way possible to show me how much they cared. Those who loved me anyway were my precious one third who was going to love me no matter what I did. These are the ones I think of and devote my time to now. I am their strawberries, and they are mine.
Those who are perpetually disappointed in you have their own things to deal with. Let them go with your loving blessing. Those who don't care one way or the other, keep your arms open that they may come or go, and those who love you no matter what, give of your time, thoughts and care. Let them know you appreciate them. If your busy with all of that love, you won't have time for worry about people that you don't really matter to. Surround yourself with love, and give it freely. Be strawberries! hehe.
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| Closeup Painted Chair Seat Acrylic on Wood Approx. 8x10" |
Thursday, February 17, 2011
How To Say, "No."
No, is one of the most difficult words in the English language, and likely in other languages. It hides in "maybe," "I don't know," and even "yes" sometimes. We regret having said, "OK" and end up resenting the people we said, "Maybe" to, all in an act to avoid the uttering of the word, "No."
It's not an evil word. It's not a bad word, it is a nice word, and the people who care aren't going to drop off of the face of the planet if we say, "No." Those who do disappear, are simply making room for a better friendship in your life. When we hang on to people who would use us, we steal a happier self from those who really do care.
Come on. Try it with me, "No."......"No, no, no, no, no." See? Nobody died. Whisper it in private, or practice in the mirror if you need to, just to see how it feels. You will be able to say it to another human being despite the lump in your throat, the sweating and even the shaking.
We hear the word, "No, so much as toddlers, that it's one of the first words we learn, and then get scolded for saying it. It doesn't feel good. It feels wrong, and forbid.....it feels mean. Nothing, however is more cruel to a friend or loved one, than our saying, "Yes" to something we don't want to do, then resenting them for not reading our minds. The resentment can last for ages, and destroy tender relationships, when all that was needed on the spot was a "No." Painful, mean or frightening as it sounds in the moment, "No," is one of the most merciful and loving (Did you hear that? "LOVING") words that can be said.
No reason is needed for the word, "No." If you provide a reason that you can't do or won't do what's being asked, the person requesting will find a way to fix that reason for you. Not wanting to do a thing is reason enough. "No." is enough to say. There are multitudes of ways to say, "No." The easiest and simplest is a kind and firm, "No." I've gathered a few, "No's" that have worked for me. Use them, and use them often enough to ward off resentment.
1- "No."
2- "Hell, No!"
3- "Yes, but NOT with you."
So many trusts are broken by unspoken, "No's." Often, we blame others, when the responsibility laid in our own laps. We were dishonest, when we said, "Yes" to things that went against our truest selves. We can become more real with the ones we love.
Suppose you commit to saying, "No," once a week for practice, and you mess up once? You can go back to the person, and say, "I was wrong. I need to say, "No" to this." Make it ok with you to be wrong, to make mistakes, to step in something, and step right back out of it.
The beauty of "No," is more than freedom from resentments. Once people get used to you saying it, they begin to trust that when you get to say, "Yes," you mean it completely. When we are more true to ourselves, we are more true and open to others. "No," is a very, very loving word.
Peace be with you, and those you love.
tina jones
It's not an evil word. It's not a bad word, it is a nice word, and the people who care aren't going to drop off of the face of the planet if we say, "No." Those who do disappear, are simply making room for a better friendship in your life. When we hang on to people who would use us, we steal a happier self from those who really do care.
Come on. Try it with me, "No."......"No, no, no, no, no." See? Nobody died. Whisper it in private, or practice in the mirror if you need to, just to see how it feels. You will be able to say it to another human being despite the lump in your throat, the sweating and even the shaking.
We hear the word, "No, so much as toddlers, that it's one of the first words we learn, and then get scolded for saying it. It doesn't feel good. It feels wrong, and forbid.....it feels mean. Nothing, however is more cruel to a friend or loved one, than our saying, "Yes" to something we don't want to do, then resenting them for not reading our minds. The resentment can last for ages, and destroy tender relationships, when all that was needed on the spot was a "No." Painful, mean or frightening as it sounds in the moment, "No," is one of the most merciful and loving (Did you hear that? "LOVING") words that can be said.
No reason is needed for the word, "No." If you provide a reason that you can't do or won't do what's being asked, the person requesting will find a way to fix that reason for you. Not wanting to do a thing is reason enough. "No." is enough to say. There are multitudes of ways to say, "No." The easiest and simplest is a kind and firm, "No." I've gathered a few, "No's" that have worked for me. Use them, and use them often enough to ward off resentment.
1- "No."
2- "Hell, No!"
3- "Yes, but NOT with you."
So many trusts are broken by unspoken, "No's." Often, we blame others, when the responsibility laid in our own laps. We were dishonest, when we said, "Yes" to things that went against our truest selves. We can become more real with the ones we love.
Suppose you commit to saying, "No," once a week for practice, and you mess up once? You can go back to the person, and say, "I was wrong. I need to say, "No" to this." Make it ok with you to be wrong, to make mistakes, to step in something, and step right back out of it.
The beauty of "No," is more than freedom from resentments. Once people get used to you saying it, they begin to trust that when you get to say, "Yes," you mean it completely. When we are more true to ourselves, we are more true and open to others. "No," is a very, very loving word.
Peace be with you, and those you love.
tina jones
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| "Kiss Off" (Self Portrait) 11x14" Acrylic on Canvas |
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Self Love in Death's Arms
About six or eight years ago, I attended a life drawing studio. The model was thin, and thin isn't what I would normally view as beautiful, but she was graceful and delicate with a few curves of feminity and a great mane of dark hair. I got out one of the sketches I'd done of her, and I'd left out a lot, so a painting was going to take further construction. I began working shadows and lights, and found myself remembering.
I got very thin last year, certainly not so much as this painting, but it was bad. I had cancer. It was anal squamous cell carcinoma. I'm ok now, infact a little overweight, but I remember the "me" of the time with much tenderness. Months spent in lieing there in pain that medicine couldn't touch, often losing conciousness at the pain, unable to move, and unable to eat. My daily goal was to drink a little water. In exhausted moments, and there were some where there was less pain, daydreaming of painting the memorized ceiling, and meditating to hold on to a degree of sanity, and the quiet that comes with surrender...the acceptance of the respit of death. The "it's going to be ok," I'll rest soon, and the watching of faces of loved ones, whom I didn't want to leave, but "knew" I would, the deepest love for them and compassion at their suffering, they were so beautiful. I had lived a wonderful life afterall, and I was grateful.... In retrospect, there was even a beauty in the fragile state of such horrid illness. Looking at the painting, is at once frightening and heart-rendering. I have the feeling of wanting to pick her up and tell her she'll be ok, that's it ok to let go, and that I love her.
I underwent a major surgery, and did it really for the love of my family, so they'd know I cared enough for them to try, but I didn't expect it to work. I had nothing left to fight with. Months went by, and so slowly I was able to eat again, move without pain and far beyond my understanding, I'm alive.
I had seen people die before, and I had attended their needs and comfort. I have held hands and cried with them, and I've seen the peace that comes before they go. I thought I was strong, but I had never been the one who was dieing, the one who went so far into and beyond pain to absolute serenity.
This is not the first time I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and sure as death must come for all of us one day, it won't be my last. Until then, serenity remains, love abounds and I paint.
tina jones
I got very thin last year, certainly not so much as this painting, but it was bad. I had cancer. It was anal squamous cell carcinoma. I'm ok now, infact a little overweight, but I remember the "me" of the time with much tenderness. Months spent in lieing there in pain that medicine couldn't touch, often losing conciousness at the pain, unable to move, and unable to eat. My daily goal was to drink a little water. In exhausted moments, and there were some where there was less pain, daydreaming of painting the memorized ceiling, and meditating to hold on to a degree of sanity, and the quiet that comes with surrender...the acceptance of the respit of death. The "it's going to be ok," I'll rest soon, and the watching of faces of loved ones, whom I didn't want to leave, but "knew" I would, the deepest love for them and compassion at their suffering, they were so beautiful. I had lived a wonderful life afterall, and I was grateful.... In retrospect, there was even a beauty in the fragile state of such horrid illness. Looking at the painting, is at once frightening and heart-rendering. I have the feeling of wanting to pick her up and tell her she'll be ok, that's it ok to let go, and that I love her.
I underwent a major surgery, and did it really for the love of my family, so they'd know I cared enough for them to try, but I didn't expect it to work. I had nothing left to fight with. Months went by, and so slowly I was able to eat again, move without pain and far beyond my understanding, I'm alive.
I had seen people die before, and I had attended their needs and comfort. I have held hands and cried with them, and I've seen the peace that comes before they go. I thought I was strong, but I had never been the one who was dieing, the one who went so far into and beyond pain to absolute serenity.
This is not the first time I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and sure as death must come for all of us one day, it won't be my last. Until then, serenity remains, love abounds and I paint.
tina jones
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| "Emaciated Nude" 11x14" Acrylic on Canvas |
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