Hero

If you get out of bed one more day, 

   if you try the first time or one more time,

 if you fail and discover one more way not to do it, 

   if your palms sweat and your heart races every time, yet you begin again,

if you fall apart on a regular basis and tremulously crawl to wash your face,

   if you've been defeated a hundred times and given up just as many,

if you have despaired of ever knowing peace,

   if you've found the flow or the right direction only in accidental moments,

if in your pain you've found solace somehow in helping another, and in the midst of watching the world you knew disintegrate, saw a bit of heaven in the eyes of those less fortunate,

   if somehow all was right with the world even when all evidence said you were wrong,  it was wrong, they were wrong,


if unreasonable hope ever bade you, "Breathe, and try again," 

   if while not believing in yourself, you believed in another, and
 if while helping right in the middle of your own helplessness you've found that you took even a single aim toward a single step without realizing,

   You are a hero to me.

 tina jones

R.I.P to Mr. Steve Jobs

 ‎"Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." Steve Jobs
  I'm baffled and quieted why some of us survive cancer, while others go. Laid in our laps, the survivors is to me the duty to enjoy life. Worry is no longer an option, nor resentment. Such privilege is best relegated to those who've not walked with death. Responsibilities like doing exactly what is meaningful to the individual, be it painting, playing, enjoying, lifting the spirits of another are no longer negotiable. Seriousness has, at last been abandoned for the duty of ingenuity, fear abandoned for the responsibility of unbridled joy, and insecurity abandoned for freedom to live in full expression of Life. It is short, our time, and at end, may I say, "I have lived fully, felt every emotion, helped where I could, played in example, and loved life with relentless, voracious passion!"

Cancer: Things I didn't know that may help you.

Following are my experiences and the best of my understanding.

Cancer cells are your cells that have lost their progamming, and they are weak cells. They die while people usually don't during Chemotherapy and Radiation, because these are designed to make all cells sick. The cancer cells are weak enough to die from the treament while most of of your other cells survive.
  Cancer cells grow quickly to make up for their weakness. Other quick growing cells like hair may die too during chemo and radiation, but these normally return to normal production after the treatment is stopped.
   I've read different information on sugar and cancer. It goes to extremes. My experience is that I had not eaten refined sugar in years, and the cancer that was removed from me was roughly 3inches in diameter. Diagnosed in January2010 and surgery in April 2010, it had not grown. and it was a "medium" growing cancer. Had I been eating refined sugar, I might not be here. At the very least, sugary foods should never replace nutrient rich foods. Some nutrient rich foods can actually help prevent cancer. (Link to the Mayo Clinic's information)
   The American Cancer Society suggests that, NO, sugar doesn't feed cancer, rather it creates a situation where cancer can develope. Studies are always ongoing, but if a food lke refined sugar has no benefit, and creates an environment for cancer growth, why do it?

"Sugar

Does sugar "feed" cancer?

No. Sugar intake has not been shown to directly increase the risk of getting cancer or having it progress. But sugars and sugar-sweetened drinks add large amounts of calories to the diet and can cause weight gain, which can affect cancer outcomes. There are many kinds of sugars, including honey, raw sugar, brown sugar, corn syrup, and molasses. Many drinks contain sugar, such as soft drinks and fruit-flavored beverages. Most foods and drinks that are high in sugar do not offer many nutrients and may replace more nutritious food choices. For this reason, limiting sugar intake is recommended"
 Above quote from this page: http://www.cancer.org/treatment/survivorshipduringandaftertreatment/nutritionforpeoplewithcancer/nutrition-and-physical-activity-during-and-after-cancer-treatment-answers-to-common-questions

   Another quote on sugar and cancer from Pam Stephan at About.com:
 "Processed sugars such as white or brown sugar and corn syrup should be avoided or limited. Consuming too many sugar calories can lead to obesity and high insulin levels, which would contribute to your increased cancer risk."
  Above quote from this page:
http://breastcancer.about.com/od/cancerfightingfoods/a/cancer_sugar_myth.htm

   Cancer happens as the program (dna) print wears out, like when you keep making copies from copies of a document. Eventually you end up with something that is no longer readable. Things that prematurely age the cells, therefore can cause cancer. One of these things is a low oxygen environment. Imagine how you'd struggle to survive with little oxygen. Cells do the same thing. Ways to have a low oxygen environment are smoking ofcourse. Lack of exercise to get oxygen to the cells is another. If you have a respiratory condition that limits your oxygen like asthma or emphazema, treat it and keep treating it. Meditation involving controlled breathing to oxygenate the body is good. It not only provides oxygen, it can reduce stress markedly. (stress ages us quicker too!)
    Ofcourse there are other causes like over exposure to sun. I'm someone that has always felt lethargic in direct sun and heat. I had had a heat stroke before and a few sunburns. My cancer was Squamous Cell Carcinoma (Sun Cancer). If you think that only appears on areas exposed to the sun, guess again. One can get a bad sunburn one day and years later cells that ran out of programs prematurely can show up anywhere. Mine did.
   How to get cancer and keep it growing: Don't exercise, eat sugar and other high carb foods instead of high nutrient foods, smoke, get a good tan, don't treat asthma/bronchitis/emphazema and don't exercise or meditate. There are other ways, but that's a start.
   
  The word, "inoperable" is sometimes relative. I was told that I  had "stage 3, inoperable" cancer. They said they could not do the surgery, because of the location of the cancer, and that it "was not done." A second opinion got the surgery done, and I am whole. Ofcourse this won't alwasy be an option, but second opinions can save lives.
   I was also told by the first Doc, that I had to have chemo and radiation. That I had to "come in five days a week for five to six weeks." I'd told them this was a 40 minute drive for me, and that I could barely stand, couldn't get out of bed daily, much less drive and get around a facility while becomming progressively sicker and weaker through the treatment. It was an impossibility for me, as I had no one to drive me or help me get around there or at home, and had that been my only option, I wouldn't be here....Point: If the Doc you have is not listening, MOVE ON.
  Money:  I had no insurance, and had applied but it was to go in effect six months after I was diagnosed with cancer. I had been in pain for near a year before the diagnosis, and held out four more months after it. (READ: 16 months of pain...Do not put off pain, ever!) The surgery had been perscribed to be done as soon as possible, and it was going to cost a horrendous amount of money which I simply did not have. What I learned through the urgings of a friend and not from the docs or hospitals is that if you pay ahead and ask, they will take off up to 1/3 or more of the bill upfront. The total expenses that were to be welll over $20,000.00, costed me less than $9,000.00, and I happened to have that. If you do not ask, they will charge the full amount. The surgery was done within days. It saved me two months of increasing agony, and probably my life. Here is more information on financial assistance from About.com:
http://cancer.about.com/od/treatmentoptions/a/cancerfinancial.htm
  Fear of a thing is often worse than walking through it.  In my case, the surgery was extreme and painful, but at no time following the surgery was I in as much pain as I was when I had the cancer in me.   
Take no one's word or experience as fact, especially not mine! Your situation may be quite different, and I am no professional. I'm just someone who survived cancer.
    Look up information, take notes and take them to your doctor. ASK a lot of questions, and if there is any doubt, ask again. Never assume that any one person can know all there is on any subject. Get second and third and fifth opinions if necessary.Annoy people if you can with questions. Ask important questions, embarassing ones and ridiculous ones. Just keep asking!  If you present a question or a treatment you've heard of that the Doctor has not heard of, he'll look it up and learn it. It could save your life and the lives of future patients.
   Be tough with your questions, firm with your decisions to take care of you, and gentle with your body.
   With much love,
tina jones

Self Love in Death's Arms

  About six or eight years ago, I attended a life drawing studio. The model was thin, and thin isn't what I would normally view as beautiful, but she was graceful and delicate with a few curves of feminity and a great mane of dark hair. I got out one of the sketches I'd done of her, and I'd left out a lot, so a painting was going to take further construction. I began working shadows and lights, and found myself remembering.
 I got very thin last year, certainly not so much as this painting, but it was bad. I had cancer. It was anal squamous cell carcinoma. I'm ok now, infact a little overweight, but I remember the "me" of the time with much tenderness. Months spent in lieing there in pain that medicine couldn't touch, often losing conciousness at the pain, unable to move, and unable to eat. My daily goal was to drink a little water. In exhausted moments, and there were some where there was less pain, daydreaming of painting the memorized ceiling, and meditating to hold on to a degree of sanity, and the quiet that comes with surrender...the acceptance of the respit of death. The "it's going to be ok," I'll rest soon, and the watching of faces of loved ones, whom I didn't want to leave, but "knew" I would, the deepest love for them and compassion at their suffering, they were so beautiful. I had lived a wonderful life afterall, and I was grateful.... In retrospect, there was even a beauty in the fragile state of such horrid illness. Looking at the painting, is at once frightening and heart-rendering. I have the feeling of wanting to pick her up and tell her she'll be ok, that's it ok to let go, and that I love her.
   I underwent a major surgery, and did it really for the love of my family, so they'd know I cared enough for them to try, but I didn't expect it to work. I had nothing left to fight with. Months went by, and so slowly I was able to eat again, move without pain and far beyond my understanding, I'm alive.
   I had seen people die before, and I had attended their needs and comfort. I have held hands and cried with them, and I've seen the peace that comes before they go. I thought I was strong, but I had never been the one who was dieing, the one who went so far into and beyond pain to absolute serenity.
   This is not the first time I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and sure as death must come for all of us one day, it won't be my last. Until then, serenity remains, love abounds and I paint.
tina jones



"Emaciated Nude"
11x14"
Acrylic on Canvas