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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Smoking Cessation Rant Humor

I don't know if I'm going to keep doing this. 
It's seriously god-awful, no matter how perky anyone gets about it, so please relax. 
That sort of thing makes me very nervous
   It's 32 days. I meant to write at 30, but I had things on my mind. I'm smoke free.

                                         Calm down!

I *said* that makes me nervous!  I'm not really up to "congratulations."  (Please don't!) It's more something that calls for condolences as far as feeling. I'm not really happy about it or celebratory. I've smoked most of my life, and I feel like I've lost a leg. It's painful. It sucks, and it's sorrowful. Being post cancer, I doubt it's going to be of any real physical benefit to me, but it may improve the lives of others, and I'm saving a little money.
To be clear: I love smoking, and I love smokers. There is nothing that smells better than cigarette smoke. Old ashtrays and morning-after doused campfires hold a certain air of ashy beauty to me. If you are smoker, god knows you've heard enough nagging. Enjoy if you do. I do not care. The worst that could happen to me is that I may sit entirely too close, and sniff you a lot to get some sweet memory back.

As for physical changes, I now have pink on my face. I don't think it's contagious. I don't remember ever seeing that before. My fingers are also pink. I guess that's ok, and is probably even good, but just in case, I won't be touching anyone. (That was humor. I don't generally touch people anyway.) I don't cough as much, so that's good too.

My senses are "back" to where they were when I was a kid. That's bad. I have serious food taste/smell aversions related to being Autistic (Asperger's) that smoking cloaked somewhat. I smell everything and everyone now, and I've been nauseated off and on this past month, nearly  "lost it" a few times.

I hear better too! That sucks. My tornado-like fan is no longer muffling the gearing down or the air breaks of semi-trucks from the not too distant highway. I've found if I lightly rub different parts of my ear, it makes various pitches. Hair sweeping against the ear makes several at once. I've nearly jumped out of my skin several times thinking there was a bug nearby. The "buzzing" sound was air escaping ice cubes in my glass. I am about 35 ft from my wind up kitchen timer. It's driving me nuts! I think that not smoking probably got rid of some nasal congestion that was dulling my hearing. I miss that.

About that sense of smell, I have taken more showers this month than is probably healthy for a person, and I may wear my enamel to the gums brushing my teeth, because I now smell everything I eat. Food is so incredibly gross! I have no idea how people could possibly "gain" weight quitting smoking.

Shopping trips afford me a sea of odors wafting from several restaurants, and grease that may be older than I am. I have held on to the side of my car, shaking and willing myself not to hurl in the parking lot. I can smell soured milk  stains on darling infant shirts six customers ahead in the check out lane. The smell of yeast in the baked goods section made me dizzy, and I might as well have been slapped with a Salmon as to go a foot closer to the Fresh Fish section.

       (Is "Fresh" a metaphor? I'm not sure.)

I have discovered layers of funk in my house that I had no idea were there. My refrigerator had sort of an "old cheese gone wrong" smell to it. Imagine Roquefort with teeth on it. I emptied it and used a whole can of bathroom cleaner, the serious "Bleach until your eyes fall out" kind, and now it just smells like cheese with a nice hint of lemon. My blanket smelled like, (oh gag) me, but not the me I've known for years. That's right, it smelled like "Sweaty locker room Me" at age 13, and I am here to tell you it was not pretty. There are hints of mildew here and there that I've yet to find, and I nearly knocked myself out with some body spray. It was some kind of "Kill you to death Peach" stuff.Yeah, that's going get donated. I'd chuck it down the drain, but it would stink up my sink.

  This is nasty, not smoking, and I don't know why anyone would do it on purpose and be happy about it.

   Condolences appreciated.
 (congratulations will be met with wood splints under the fingernails.)
((telling me what smoking or quitting does to a person will be met with beheading.))
(((warning me to never do it again, will be met with blank, "You have GOT to be kidding me." stares. Those particularly painful.)))
....and please TRY to keep your ice cubes quiet!

Thank You,
tina jones

1 comment:

  1. Oh, dear :) Haha. Umm ... condolences??

    Seriously, I felt a bit sick just reading this post - it must be so frustrating at times having such a sensitive nose and feeling nauseous and stuff. Yukky!

    (I smoked a pack a day for 20 years. Been smoke-free for 10. Turned into one of those reformed smokers that I used to hate. It's just that the way you react to the smell in your fridge is the way I now react to ciggie smoke. It smells disgerrrrrrsting ;)