Thoughts on Mourning: Recent passing of Carl Reiner

Thoughts on Mourning: (Mel Brooks after Carl Reiner's death.)

 Thoughts.... I'm worried about Mel Brooks. He was married to that ridiculously pretty lady, and it hurt him when she died. Anne Bancroft, that was her name. They seemed so in love. Carl Reiner sort of made it bearable for him. They did an old Black and White bit together. I saw an interview, and the two of them talked like an old married couple finishing one another's sentences...laughing. They've been friends so long, and Mr. Reiner passed away last night. So wrong. I mean, maybe Ms. Bancroft and Mr. Reiner had their, "Forever after" in Mel Brooks, and he's done nothing but give us all laughs, but damn. What about his forever after? It's just not right. I don't mind being, "Alone." I like a quiet life of solitude, but it's not for everyone, and I don't think it's for Mel Brooks. He was good at being one of a pair. I think if people are close friends or couples, then both of them should have to live until they both croak, so no one has to miss anybody. That's all.

 The part that didn't go on Facebook, about me.

 It's not fair to me that some people really do love one another, and it lasts so many years, and grows and they bond, then it's gone. I know there is no better way. It's the design, perhaps,  and everyone has a story, but if it lasts, then I think it might be worse letting go. If you did the work, and got to that place together, it ought to last. Of course, I've lost people, and loves of my life began dropping off when I was a teen, and three more followed over the years. It was worth it every time,at least to me to love and be loved, and although I was gutted, after a little healing, I was glad that, if they had to go, at least someone gentle was with them, at least someone loved them, and it was me rather than someone who'd be mean.

   I was their, "Forever after." I had to find something to hold on to, something that wouldn't die, and that's why I began meditating. It comforted me when arms could not. Every death is horrible and even if you know it's coming, it rips a person apart. If not for thinking at least they had someone, then it would all be so useless. sighs.

  That pain is so great, that it rivals the pain of being alone, and eventually I came to peace with accepting either way, peace no matter which way the tears fell, and peace even when, seemingly blasphemous, I felt something like ...happiness.

   There is sorrow the depths of which I cannot describe walking around with my love and serenity. Is this what it is to be human? I think it is. I had to love, and if people can't live forever, and if I were to have no forever after or something that arrived near the end which no one can count on, or not, then I would crack myself open. Boundaries, and hopelessness be damned! I'd love the whole World exactly as it was, and not even death could stop me.

  Sometimes I look at the statues of nuns in bliss over the expanse of their love and maybe there's something bigger to cause it, maybe it's the nature of humans. All I know is I've lived a life that didn't need "Eternal" love, else it would have been there, and my god, it felt like I needed it, but I was wrong. I felt the desperate hunger everyone else does, but the sustenance of romantic passion was fleeting and somehow not a thing that I could hold on to, no matter how much they wanted to stay and how much I wanted them....to stay. Sighs, I know this love, and somehow it is for others. Still self pity, balm that it may be, is no sustenance.

   What I needed more than anything was to love, so I did, and subsequently found myself loved. Isn't that strange, delightfully strange? I may not get to have a forever after with one, and I've found peace with the bittersweet beauty of love anyway, but this is not a path I'd wish on anyone. It is hard, harder than building walls against it, the surrender to love or let go always in limbo and open empath in bliss and agony. I re-feel the sorrow of letting that dream die whenever someone else experiences catastrophic loss. I pray they find someone else, but should they not, I know another way. I may be insane, and I recommend it, but I know love that's greater than I can at times bear. Still, even as I melt in moments into love itself, sighs. You can't really split a cookie with or hold Universal Love.
 
   I'm o.k. to grow old this way or not. I'm open to romantic love and have been for many years. It doesn't come anymore, now that I don't hunt it down, neither fighting it, nor seeking.  I laugh at myself. It never was something to capture or hide from. In truth, it just happened, and it stopped happening. I don't know why, and that's o.k.
 
   I'm also open to being in solitude. At times partnered, I longed for such quiet too, but again I tell you, you can be happy either way. I don't skip through fields of flowers single, but I didn't do that coupled either. Either way, there's good work to be done, play to be had, and satisfaction mixed with desires. Either way, there is growth, rest and reflection. Overall, although, I pine romantic at times, I have, in fact, been happier alone. That's what I'm not sure other people have.

tinajonesart

Spiritual Brat

Dear God, Goddess, Pinnochio, The Universe, Love, Life, Light, or Fred,
   Oftimes, in moments where I interact in this illusion, (You know, the one where we're all separate) I wish I could edit out more of what my insides know. That separateness is an illusion. Sometimes it's annoying. It's like the dreams where we know we're dreaming, and wishing for one that felt real every once in a while. Funny...on awakening that this mind would wish for sleep. I can't imagine other people doing that, though they may.
   Sometimes I might like to get away something ridiculous. I don't know, maybe I could pretend along with others that eyeshadow was what was really important, or that social status meant something to the Universe, maybe I could even pretend I was right or my group was right, and everyone else had it wrong. That game attracts a lot of people still. I could pretend that because of my age, I have special smarts that younger or older people don't have. I could pretend that you and I are not one, not even connected, and that making you understand me is the stuff that would *make* me happy. I could even pretend other people had the power to make me happy, and I could blame them...you know....get real huffy if they didn't do it according to my satisfaction and personal description of happy. OH wait! I could pretend that because I read any particular book, I am the voice of God! Hey! That oughtta sweeten the game better than owning Park Avenue does in Monopoly!
   We're writing a really grand script here, and my acting skills are not up to par. Maybe I could be having more fun with this, I don't know. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I might do a better job operating the stage lighting, or organizing the cards into decks.
    Perhaps the next awakening will bring perfect reason to the behavior of masses and how this mirrors even my own soul. Perhaps there is peace in this inbetween place. For now, I'd rather awaken or be sleeping, because to be human is very difficult at times, and I am tired. Home is a decision, and I want to go, so here I am....home, awake and knowing in these moments before sunrise that soon the world will ask that I pretend again that this is all there is, what I experience with five senses. It will ask of me to fullfill priorities that aren't mine. It will put carbeurators, indigestion or the news ahead of love. And I smile in my more loving moments, thought not this one, because it's ok. Though difficult, I can particpate in the illusion even knowing that carbeurators have no control over people. Maybe I or we simply need or enjoy a puzzle to solve, many don't remember yet. My brain wishes it could forget, and play at this again, and my spirit? Sometimes, I wonder if it's ever stopped playing. ....Then again, I may need a nap. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm only tired and pehaps Divinely unsettled with my own growth. hmmm....It appears I am typing to myself. Pardon my going on. I plan to be more cheerful after a rest.
   I hope this tantrum gave you a smile. If not, it's Your fault. You made me this way. WINKS!
with love,
tina jones

Beautiful Human

We are One who doesn't know our own Divinity
-When we love, all things are possible.
-We stop everthing for one who is hurt to help.
-Our touch heals wounds
-Our laughter heals hearts
-Our light awakens spirits
-We are creators in the process of being created.
-On lit nights the stars whisper to eachother, "Oh my!
 look at all of the humans out tonight! Aren't they beautiful?"
tina jones

"The Sleep" (Study of Hard and Soft Edges)
11x14"
Acrylic on Canvas





Come Home

 Should you choose to enter my world, then you must first forget. Become simple.

  Forget all that has been learned of life and knowledge and what farce there may be in accepted *wisdom,* Become an innocent and be willing to experience the awe of a child. Be willing to tremble at the strength of an evening sun, be willing to catch snow flakes on your tongue and to dig your toes into the sand. Become a child with me.



"First Kiss"
18x24 Oil on Canvas

   I shake my head at those who sarcastically negate what youth know so easily claiming life taught them differently. "Ah, yes, I knew everything when I was that young too!" They laugh.

   I tell you now, if you want to know how to hope or love, ask a child. They have not yet learned the cynicism, negativity or the defeat of social standards. They have not learned of judgement or who is better than whom. They have not built walls or shunned differences. Indeed, these people know love, and forbid they ever know the arrogance of my age.

   These are my teachers, the innocent with their small words, big smiles and real tears. These are my Masters. I pray to grow enough to become what I always was under the labels, before the standards, behind  my judgements. I pray to know the wisdom of a child.

   So, maturity is to me growing enough to unlearn and growing small enough to hope, to love freely with the wonder of a child. I seek such clarity, and miss it by miles.

   Don't grow up with me. Grow small with me. Come home, and per chance, lead me there too.

"Return to Innocence" Enigma: h://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk_sAHh9s08