Tina Jones Blog: Thoughts of an Oil Portrait Artist: after

Thoughts on Mourning: (Mel Brooks after Carl Reiner's death.)

Thoughts.... I'm worried about Mel Brooks. He was married to that ridiculously pretty lady, and it hurt him when she died. Anne Bancroft, that was her name. They seemed so in love. Carl Reiner sort of made it bearable for him. They did an old Black and White bit together. I saw an interview, and the two of them talked like an old married couple finishing one another's sentences...laughing. They've been friends so long, and Mr. Reiner passed away last night. So wrong. I mean, maybe Ms. Bancroft and Mr. Reiner had their, "Forever after" in Mel Brooks, and he's done nothing but give us all laughs, but damn. What about his forever after? It's just not right. I don't mind being, "Alone." I like a quiet life of solitude, but it's not for everyone, and I don't think it's for Mel Brooks. He was good at being one of a pair. I think if people are close friends or couples, then both of them should have to live until they both croak, so no one has to miss anybody. That's all.

The part that didn't go on Facebook, about me.

It's not fair to me that some people really do love one another, and it lasts so many years, and grows and they bond, then it's gone. I know there is no better way. It's the design, perhaps, and everyone has a story, but if it lasts, then I think it might be worse letting go. If you did the work, and got to that place together, it ought to last. Of course, I've lost people, and loves of my life began dropping off when I was a teen, and three more followed over the years. It was worth it every time,at least to me to love and be loved, and although I was gutted, after a little healing, I was glad that, if they had to go, at least someone gentle was with them, at least someone loved them, and it was me rather than someone who'd be mean.

I was their, "Forever after." I had to find something to hold on to, something that wouldn't die, and that's why I began meditating. It comforted me when arms could not. Every death is horrible and even if you know it's coming, it rips a person apart. If not for thinking at least they had someone, then it would all be so useless. sighs.

That pain is so great, that it rivals the pain of being alone, and eventually I came to peace with accepting either way, peace no matter which way the tears fell, and peace even when, seemingly blasphemous, I felt something like ...happiness.

There is sorrow the depths of which I cannot describe walking around with my love and serenity. Is this what it is to be human? I think it is. I had to love, and if people can't live forever, and if I were to have no forever after or something that arrived near the end which no one can count on, or not, then I would crack myself open. Boundaries, and hopelessness be damned! I'd love the whole World exactly as it was, and not even death could stop me.

Sometimes I look at the statues of nuns in bliss over the expanse of their love and maybe there's something bigger to cause it, maybe it's the nature of humans. All I know is I've lived a life that didn't need "Eternal" love, else it would have been there, and my god, it felt like I needed it, but I was wrong. I felt the desperate hunger everyone else does, but the sustenance of romantic passion was fleeting and somehow not a thing that I could hold on to, no matter how much they wanted to stay and how much I wanted them....to stay. Sighs, I know this love, and somehow it is for others. Still self pity, balm that it may be, is no sustenance.

What I needed more than anything was to love, so I did, and subsequently found myself loved. Isn't that strange, delightfully strange? I may not get to have a forever after with one, and I've found peace with the bittersweet beauty of love anyway, but this is not a path I'd wish on anyone. It is hard, harder than building walls against it, the surrender to love or let go always in limbo and open empath in bliss and agony. I re-feel the sorrow of letting that dream die whenever someone else experiences catastrophic loss. I pray they find someone else, but should they not, I know another way. I may be insane, and I recommend it, but I know love that's greater than I can at times bear. Still, even as I melt in moments into love itself, sighs. You can't really split a cookie with or hold Universal Love.

I'm o.k. to grow old this way or not. I'm open to romantic love and have been for many years. It doesn't come anymore, now that I don't hunt it down, neither fighting it, nor seeking. I laugh at myself. It never was something to capture or hide from. In truth, it just happened, and it stopped happening. I don't know why, and that's o.k.

I'm also open to being in solitude. At times partnered, I longed for such quiet too, but again I tell you, you can be happy either way. I don't skip through fields of flowers single, but I didn't do that coupled either. Either way, there's good work to be done, play to be had, and satisfaction mixed with desires. Either way, there is growth, rest and reflection. Overall, although, I pine romantic at times, I have, in fact, been happier alone. That's what I'm not sure other people have.

tinajonesart

Quick Peek: Scroll to the very bottom of this post to see the side by side Before and After.

Frame Size: Though, I'm 5' 8 1/2", I am a "small framed" person, as determined by the following chart, and many others like it. My personal "elbow width," as used here, is 1 3/4", or less than an average woman of 4'10".
http://www.am-i-fat.com/body_frame_size.html
I'd always heard the phrase, "Big boned," applied to me and others like me who were overweight most of their lives. To find out I was not "big boned" was enlightening. The optimal weight for someone who is 5' 8 1/2", is a wide range falling between 123 1/2 lbs. and 166.8. lbs Being on the smaller side, I originally aimed at 135 lbs, but found that I was more comfortable between 145 and 149 lbs.
Each person is different in build and how they emotionally feel about being a certain weight. I was ok with what some would say was overweight at 149, but this is me, and I have to live in this body. I like being soft, and I don't mind some bulges. This is just my emotional feeling about me.

Coping With Other's Opinions:

Believe it or not, I even had some people say I was too skinny at that stage (beautiful bulges and all), and I had some try to push food on me even though I was well within normal range, and so very much healthier. I had to stop talking to them about my weight loss, because the guilt trips I was getting were so discouraging, and made me ashamed of my progress. Everyone it seems has had an opinion that they were all too willing to share with me about what I should weigh. I finally decided my opinion mattered. I had to get these people out of my daily diet. I don't know about other countries, but here in the United States, "Normal" wieghts are 20-40 over weight. Many are on various medications to control not only weight, but various illnesses caused by it, and many of those are on low fat diets, and starving themselves.
Facing fears of weight loss:
New Angles: I thought I was beautiful at 253 lbs., and sometimes I miss the weight. (I know that sounds strange, but it's true.) It has been hard for me to lose the pretty round face I use to have that I thought made me look more like my mother who is beautiful. Now, when I see the angles in my face, I see my father. I had a hard time looking at me during that adjustment. I'd always thought he was ugly, so seeing him plainly in me meant I had to get a better attitude about him and me. Well, my grandfather, his father, just loved a movie star who was very angular. This is weird, but I kept a photo of her on my computer to go look at whenever I felt bad about my new thin face. It was Raquel Welch! If he thought she was beautiful, and I did to, then I must have some beauty in me.Further, my granddaughter is thin, beautiful and she looks like me. It was hardly honest for me to think these ladies were beautiful while putting myself down. Once I saw the dishonesty in my opinion of myself, I had to let it go.
Attention from the Opposite Sex: It's been frightening at times when I get more male attention than I'm used to. I realize now that alot of the weight gain was to protect me from having to deal with that. Again, I had a reality check. It has NEVER mattered what weight I was. Someone was ALWAYS attracted. Honesty came in the acceptance that I cannot control that, that I'm safe, and other people's issues need not show up in extra pounds by the dozens on me.
Old Fears: Early in life I got sick with strep, and couldn't eat for two weeks. I was ten years old. Another time, I was so poor, that I ate a meager bowl of 1/3 cup soup a day to make it last a month. Along the way of my weight loss journey, I had to face those personal fears. I had to learn to trust that I didn't "need" this extra weight in case something happened where I might starve. I had to stop keeping this fear weight to protect me, and begin to trust.
Honesty About My Weight, Health and Self Esteem: The only point is what you weigh should be healthy and feel good to you. For me, because of my small frame to weigh 155 lbs. is uncomfortable. The fat gathers on me under my ribs, and causes difficulty in breathing. I am an "apple" shape, which means I do not gain in my legs and hips, but around my torso where organs are smashed by extra weight. Size and shape do not matter to me. Comfort and health does.
Here is a common weight calculator that will provide such a range, like many others. If you find that you are "large framed," you'd probably feel better being closer to the higher amount.
http://www.calculator.net/ideal-weight-calculator.html?ctype=standard&cage=46&csex=f&cheightfeet=5&cheightinch=8.5&cheightmeter=180&x=79&y=5
Here are some photos of me at my heaviest: 253+ lbs

Early, 2001 :Me at 253 lbs. and a size 24 jeans.
I felt beautiful at this size. I loved my round face, but I was in a lot of physical pain. I had very high blood pressure, borderline diabetes and bad cholesterol counts. I was on medication for blood pressure, and my physician warned I was only points away from having to have medications for diabetes and cholesterol.

2002: Another photo at 253 or above. I'd stopped weighing myself, and could no longer fit in any size jeans I could find. Off and on low fat diets, and kept gaining weight, often starving to try to lose, then shaking, weak and giving up. I had horrible indigestion to the point that only a few bites of food was causing bloating and horrible burning in my throat. I had problems with evacuation that felt like a partial blockage. My ankles were always swollen and the skin on my ankles would get so tight that I was in pain. Sitting or standing more than 20 minutes would bring swelling that made my ankles the size of my calves. Makeup is plastered on here to cover a very bad case of acne brought on by a wheat allergy I didn't even know I had. Shortly after this, I started the Atkin's Diet.
Within weeks, I lost the indigestion. The blood sugar spikes went away, the swelling was gone, and I began having energy for the first time in years.
It took a total of 2 years, and by 2004, I hit my goal, and had lost 108 lbs.

145 lbs. This photo is in 4/2008. There are not a lot of thin photos of me during this time. I was still having trouble with accepting my new body and facing those old fears, and I was very horribly camera shy.
I maintained this weight with a few pound fluctuation from 2004-2010. I was healthier in every way, but there was one thing that didn't get better. The problems with evacuation didn't leave. A few Doc's brushed it off. By 2009, the pain began, and finally in January 2010. I was diagnosed with anal squamous cell carcinoma. I read heavily, and found that quick carbohydrates are needed for the growth of cancer. Stunned, I thought of the years I'd gone without sugar, wheat, rice, corn..all of those high carbs that are quickly metabolized. The Doc was amazed at how slowly this medium growing cancer had grown. Beyond a doubt this diet saved my life. It did not metastasize, it grew slowly. I had surgery and I'm ok now. I tell this to point out that a ball of bad habits that started rolling before I stopped eating things that were bad for me, didn't just stop, because I quit. Other illnesses may linger for others too. Not unlike having an old bad tooth pulled, I'm grateful the cancer is out of me, and I feel whole again. I was unable to eat much for months, and one month before surgery, I had to eat so very little. Low Carb taught me that protein packs the most nutrition,. It is the body's building blocks. Fat is needed for the brain to work, so I ate what little I could in proteins and fats. Four days days before surgery, eating was no longer possible. I did lose more weight than I wanted, but it was maybe 20 lbs, and nothing like would have happened had I tried to survive on cereal.
I did get scared though, and post surgery, I set about to gain my weight back. I knew how. Count more carbs than needed to maintain, and slowly regain just as I'd lost, but I panicked, and reintroduced high carbs and sugars. In four months, I gained not just that 20 I'd lost ,but 40 more pounds. I also lost the first tooth since I started the diet. Sugar does bad things to me! Also the acne, feelings of weakness, lethargy, mental fogginess, indigestion, swelling of extremities, and all that gross sick feeling returned in full regalia. Enough!

185 lbs: 11/24/2010
The Photo that made me get back on my
diet. I'd gained 40 lbs! I gain weight in my belly and chest. My legs are thin here, and they were small before I lost a single pound. (Some complained that I didn't need to lose weight, because of my smaller legs, but I could not breathe!) I began again, fears faced, stronger, and out of love for myself and others, desire to be here for my children and grandchildren for a very long time, and frankly the desire to keep my teeth!

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Fear of cameras or not, I had to become accountable, and my major sources of support being online can only see me by photos. I take at least one a week now, and post them regularly. I had to let go of having to *LIKE* them. Who cares? I just post them anyway, to stay accountable. My life is more important than my ego that says all too often, "Not good enough!" Ego lies! Sometimes (brace yourself, and to my shock) I actually do LIKE them now. I didn't see THAT coming. What a surprise! I also report my weight and inches lost to at least one other person if not by online posts. Yes, it's for me, but it's also to give hope to others.

175 lbs

170 lbs
You know that phrase usuallly said in anger?
"No Woman Is Built Like A Barbie!"
Well, I have nothing to say about that. Fortunately, I do have a photo. (See above) No photoshopping, no surgeries, and yes I am sucking in my gut. The point is we have to accept our own bodies. We're all built differently. I was descriminated for being overweight, thin and everything in between. I'm the one, however who has to live in this body, and that nullifies anyone else's opinion of it. Being fat never meant I was lazy, infact I worked very hard often starving to try to control it, and kept gaining back then. Being thin never meant I was starving, infact I eat more now than I did at 253 lbs. Having a large build does not mean you're not a sexy, beautiful and sensitive woman. Having a small build does not mean a person is a weak pushover. Being tall doesn't mean I can or should try to lift monstrously heavey objects. Being short doesn't mean helplessness. Finally, because it's what irks me personally, being large busted does not mean nymphomaniac, that a person is dumb, fat or in any way interested in you, whoever you are. Neither does being small busted mean frigidity or less than in any way whatsoever.
If we women don't stop comparing ourselves to others, and start seeing the beauty in ourselves as we are in this moment, we are not going to think or feel we are beautiful even if we do lose the weight, get that tatoo, dye the hair or whatever we're thinking of doing to alter our outsides. Forget other's opinions (Including mine). Work on the inside, and the outside changes.

165 lbs

10/28/2011: Me at 159 lbs:
I am obviously not skinny. Check my belly. I am wearing a CHILD's size 6x. Seriously concerned about over weight children. I remember my children wearing a 6x, and there is no way they were half the size I am in this photo. The numbers have stayed the same on clothing, yet the clothes have gotten bigger.
http://marilynmonroepages.com/facts.html
Marylin Monroe's Measurements as told in above link: 37-23-36
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20055694-10391704.html
Barbie's Measurements as told in above link: 39-18-33
My Measurements: 40-34.5-39
(I figure since I once resembled an adorable to me, Cabbage Patch Doll, why not play Barbie Doll? The point being, no matter what size a person is, they are beautiful. No, we're not dolls, but I'm in no position to be cutting Barbie down any more than I was to cut down Teddy Bears or Cabbage Patch Kids. End Rant.

!!!GOAL!!!
12/09/11